On a physical level, sex isn't all that complicated. Basically, sex happens in an area between two reflexes: The arousal reflex sets off sexual arousal, and when this arousal rises to a point of no return, the orgasm reflex is triggered, where the arousal ends in a discharge.
What is sexual arousal?
Sexual arousal is something that happens in the body. It starts with a physical reflex. When this reflex is triggered, your blood pressure rises, your pulse accelerates, and more blood flows into your genitals. You can then increase the arousal to a point of no return, where your orgasm reflex is triggered. You might experience an orgasm. If you have a penis, you might ejaculate.
What's the difference between sexual arousal and sexual pleasure?
This is a very important distinction: When we talk about sexual arousal on this website, we refer to what happens in your body – the physical aspects of arousal. It doesn't entail your emotions or thoughts or desires, or how pleasurable your experience is. This distinction is very important, since sexual arousal doesn't automatically come with good feelings or happy thoughts. You might have difficult feelings and thoughts, or not notice that you're aroused at all. On the other hand, you might feel really horny, or hot, or you might experience a sexual situation as highly pleasurable or mentally arousing – but your body doesn't actually react very aroused. This is sometimes referred to as "arousal nonconcordance". This phenomenon is explained if you make a distinction between (physical) sexual arousal and your mental experience – which we like to refer to as sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure can be very high when sexual arousal is low – and vice versa.
What happens when sexual arousal is triggered?
Blood flows into the genitals, making them swell and more intensely colored. The vagina will widen and become wetter. This is because the higher blood pressure causes more fluid to seep through its wall. The Bartholini glands next to the entrance of the vagina also secrete a fluid. It makes the vagina atrium moister. The shaft of the clitoris will become erect. Its swell bodies fill with more blood. Blood flows into the penis, it becomes stiffer and bigger. This is called an erection. The so-called pre-cum may trickle out of the penis. It may also be that your skin on your face and other parts of your body blushes. Maybe your nipples will become erect, as well.
How do I notice that I'm sexually aroused?
There's this idea that men experience arousal more often than women. This isn't true. What's true is that it's much easier to perceive arousal if you have a penis: You notice it swelling and becoming harder. If you have a clitoris and vagina however, it might be harder for you to notice when your arousal reflex is triggered. In fact, you might not notice the arousal at all – particularly if your attention is elsewhere. If you pay notice, however, you might feel the swelling, the getting wetter, the raised blood flow, the muscles in your pelvis contracting a bit. You might feel tingling, warmth – or whatever words come to your mind to describe what it is you're feeling.
How is sexual arousal set off?
You cannot consciously trigger physical sexual arousal – remember, it's a reflex. But you can create conditions in which this reflex is more likely to be triggered: For instance, it might be triggered when you touch something or when somebody touches you, or when you kiss someone, when you smell or taste something, when you have sexual fantasies, look at erotic images, imagine things, dream about someone, and so on. The reflex can and will also be triggered if you don't consciously create conditions to trigger it. It's triggered several times a day and night. It might be triggered by a rubbing of your pants, a tension in your pelvic floor muscles, any kind of stimulation that happens by accident. It might be triggered by something physiological happening in your body. For no discernable reason at all. It can also be set off if you have unpleasant feelings such as anger or fear or shame or disgust. Remember: You don't automatically feel good when you're sexually aroused.
How does sexual arousal rise?
Anything that triggers sexual arousal can also increase it. There are countless sources of arousal, and each person finds out for themself which ones they experience as arousing. Some examples:
- when you stimulate your genitalia or any other body parts in any way
- when you are caressed, kissed, licked, rubbed, sucked or massaged – anywhere
- when you think arousing thoughts, imagine stories and have sexual fantasies
- when you see pictures or movies or read or hear something that arouses you
- when you move your body – especially your abdomen, buttocks and pelvic area
- when you tense and play with your muscles, especially in the pelvic area
How do I discover my own sources of arousal?
For you to perceive something as sexually arousing, it is good to take the time to try it out and explore it often, so you can connect it more and more with sexual arousal. Please read our text on sexual learning to understand why repetition is important. Over time, you will develop something like an "arousal menu", as well as some kind of "arousal map" of your body, and you will know what types of touch you find arousing. You will also feel how best to use your body and mind to sexually arouse yourself.
Why is practice so important?
It is very useful to try out and practice many different kinds of sexual arousal, because if you can only sexually arouse yourself in one way or another – e.g. by rubbing an area your clitoris or penis firmly –, you may find other kinds of arousal, e.g. sexual intercourse, less arousing over time. You may require "help" with more and more extreme pictures or fantasies. But if you practice different kinds of sexual arousal, over time you will put together a whole sexual "menu" to choose from. As you can read in our text on sexual learning, practice is key.
What if I don't want to be sexual aroused?
Maybe you get aroused in inconvenient moments. If you have a penis, for instance, you probably know the feeling of getting an erection when you don't want it. Turning anxious attention towards your being aroused will in all likelihood make your arousal rise even further. Turning your attention to other things will make your sexual arousal go away the quickest. This calls for an attitude of "Okay, it's sexual arousal, it's a reflex, it's normal. It doesn't mean that I'm turned on or want sex". It's a good idea if you tell yourself this sentence over and over.
What if I don't experience sexual arousal as pleasurable?
This is a very common issue. In fact, it's much easier to learn to increase physical sexual arousal than it is to learn to experience it as pleasurable. You might not agree with this, because you might experience increasing sexual arousal to orgasm as strenuous, and "fight" to get an orgasm. The solution, however, isn't to try harder, but to loosen up. You have to me a bit more relaxed to experience pleasure. How you use your body plays a big role, and can make all the difference in the world. Very often, the issue is that people use too much muscular tension during sexual arousal. To find out how to solve this problem, please read our texts on high muscular tension during for women and for men.