Sexual problems and solutions / Vaginismus: When the vagina seems too tight:

You can contribute something to help your partner overcome this problem. A very important step is the step back. Let your partner take over.

What is my partner struggling with?

For you as a partner, a first important step is learning about what's going on. It's important for you to know that the vagina is not actually too tight for intercourse or for taking in fingers or a dildo. It's so stretchable that a baby's head can get through. Sometimes, however, the pelvic floor muscles around the vaginal opening tense up a lot. Your partner isn't doing this on purpose, the muscles do it on their own. Some call this vaginismus. Please read this text to understand this better.

Why should I give myself a break?

In order to overcome this issue, your partner has to learn to gain control over the pelvic floor muscles during sex, and learn to no longer associate vaginal touch with pain —  but with pleasure and sexual arousal. Your partner has to practice this alone – just like every person has to practice perceiving and using their body by themselves.

How can I get a penis, finger or dildo inside?

It's very important that your partner doesn't do anything that hurts. That's why you shouldn't keep trying to have vaginal intercourse or insert a finger, a dildo or anything else. In this situation, one thing is completely wrong: to keep pushing and trying to somehow get the penis, dildo or finger inside. This can hurt your partner a lot and when in pain, the muscles tense up even more!

Is all sexual activity off limits?

Not at all! Non-penetrative sexual play like making out or petting is a great idea. For example, let your partner play with your penis or a dildo, caressing it with hands and mouth. This way your partner will get to know it better, making it less scary. The most important message is: Your partner has to be in control and dictate what you do during sex. Please also read our tips about practicing with your partner.

Patience pays off

It takes patient practice for your partner to overcome this issue and to discover the vagina as a source of pleasure. For you as a partner this means: pay close attention to what your partner wants during sex and stick to the exercise instructions. This might test your patience. You can help your partner by not pushing. Instead, encourage your partner to keep practicing. Your patience will pay off for both of you in the long run!