Ending violence / Dealing with violence in your childhood home:

Whether it's physical violence, sexual violence, or severe forms of emotional violence – if you experienced abuse as a child in your family, it's especially bad. We'll show you why.

What kind of violence are we talking about here?

This text is about things that most people would consider to be violence. Imagine, for example: You were beaten up as a child. You were physically hurt. You were sexually abused. You were abandoned and completely neglected. You witnessed others being physically or sexually abused. You were severely emotionally abused. You were locked up. You were threatened with bad things. You were sexually exploited or forced to do other awful things.

All of these things could also have been done to you by other people. But if you suffered them as a child in your own family, it is particularly bad. Here are some reasons:

Love and cruelty get intertwined

Bad things were done to you as a child by people on whom you depended for your survival. You couldn't just run away. Moreover, these were people whom you actually loved or wanted to love – and who, depending on the situation, also told you that they loved you.

This contradiction of “I love my mom or dad” and “Mom and Dad do bad things to me” is too much for a child's brain. It leads to a lot of confusion about what love is, what you want and what you don't want, what you are guilty of and what you are not guilty of. This can have serious consequences for your self-image, self-worth, and your relationships with yourself and other people.

Danger becomes a constant presence

When something bad has happened to you, you need comfort, protection, and time to recover. But if bad things kept happening to you as a child, you couldn't recover from them at all. You were actually constantly living in an environment of danger and severe stress.

The earlier that started, the worse. You were defenseless and didn't understand what was right and what was wrong. Your self-image and your view of the world were significantly influenced by this. Today, you may still find it very difficult to trust others, to have confidence and to relax.

Hopes are crushed

Suppose your mother beat you up one night when she was drunk. She was totally shocked about it afterwards, sincerely apologized to you and said, “It will never happen again – the drinking stops now.” And it actually never did happen again. She successfully recovered from her alcoholism. You learned from this that your mother is not infallible, but that she learns from her mistakes, and that you can trust her word. Bottom line, this was a good learning experience.

Suppose, however, she starts drinking again. She hits you again. And again. She always shows remorse afterwards and vows to do better. You hope and hope – but eventually you learn that it's not going to get better. You learn that you can't trust her word. You learn that you can't count on people's remorse and apologies.

Bystanders are accomplices

Suppose your father did bad things to you. But then there was also your mother. She could have protected you. But she didn't. She watched and did nothing. Or she looked away and did nothing. Or she took your father's side. She cared more about portraying an ideal world or about having a peaceful relationship with her husband than about your well-being. Unfortunately, this is not that rare.

Through this behavior, your mother has made herself an accomplice. Her violence against you was more subtle, more hidden: she discounted your needs, your agency, your well-being. If you have repeatedly experienced severe violence in your family, it took place in a setting where you also experienced these more subtle forms of violence. We recommend that you read this text to better understand these patterns.

Preserving the “ideal world” is more important than the child

Maybe an aunt or cousin did something bad to you. You told your parents about it. They stood up for you and made sure it never happened again and that the person was held accountable. You may have made it through this experience fairly unscathed.

But what if your parents didn't believe you? What if it just didn't fit into their image of the perfect family world? They denied what happened, or they blamed you for it. As a result you probably questioned yourself or felt guilty. Or maybe you didn't tell anyone. You had a good sense of how the others would react. You knew they wouldn't take you seriously. You learned that you were very alone. That you couldn't talk to anyone.

Children become isolated

Maybe your parents taught you that the world is “evil,” that the neighbors meant you harm, or that you couldn't trust anyone but your own family. Maybe you were taught rules and beliefs that others didn't have. Your parents taught you that their rules and beliefs were better. Maybe you even lived quite isolated. It may be that your parents really believed what they said. It may also be that they deliberately made you afraid of other people.

You may have sensed that this was somehow not true, but your loyalty to your parents was more important than your own opinion. So you didn't reach out much and didn't find good caregivers outside of your family. This made you even more dependent on your family.

Love and loyalty are exploited

Suppose your father regularly sexually assaulted you. At the same time, you were “his sunshine,” and you had something “special” together. “That's our secret,” he told you. “I can count on you not to get your dad in trouble, right? You're a good kid.”

Here, the blending of love and cruelty we described above goes even further: your father manipulated you into silence, taking advantage of your love and loyalty. He gave you a perverted image of what love is between a father and child, and what loyal behavior is. Today, you may still find it difficult to see his behavior for what it really was: sexual exploitation and cruel manipulation.

The child is blamed

Maybe you were threatened in order to make you do something or to keep you quiet. Maybe you heard sentences like “If you tell, Dad will leave us”, for example. Maybe you were given a lot of responsibility through these threats. As if you were to blame for Dad leaving you. Even though that would be entirely Dad's decision. No matter what happened to you as a child, no matter what mistakes you may have made – this never justifies or excuses the violence that was done to you. Only those who did it to you are responsible for it.

But children are very susceptible to blame: If, for example, the marriage collapses, a parent gets depressed or threatens suicide, then children are very quick to relate this to themselves. Some parents take advantage of this and blame the child even more. As children get older, they can't just shake it off. Think about whether you still have feelings of guilt towards your parents today.

The experience overshadows all relationships

If you suffered a childhood of violence and continuous abuse, it may affect all your relationships – not only with others, but also with yourself. You developed strategies to survive in a terrible environment, and today those same strategies stand in your way. You can learn more about this in this text. Please also read our text about hidden forms of violence. It's quite possible that you will recognize your family in it as well.