Sexual problems and solutions / Discomfort of vulva and vagina during intercourse:

During sexual arousal the vagina gets wet and widens. That allows a penis or dildo to glide in and out easily. Without the necessary arousal, intercourse can hurt.

When is my vagina ready to take in a penis or dildo?

Your vagina is not ready for intercourse until you are sexually aroused enough. You are sexually aroused enough when your vagina is well lubricated and has widened  enough to receive a penis/dildo. The vagina gets larger and wider when you're sexually aroused, and in that state it can easily accommodate a penis/dildo, even a large one. However, when you're not sexually aroused, your vagina is only about 12 centimeters deep. Often, the phase of sexual arousal before intercourse simply isn't long enough for the vagina to become fully aroused. Many people still call this phase «foreplay». We try to avoid that word because it makes it sound like it's something that happens before sex. But that's not true – getting aroused is just as much part of sex as the penis/dildo going into the vagina is.

Why does sexual arousal decrease during intercourse?

But of course, getting aroused before intercourse is not enough: You also want to stay sexually aroused during intercourse. Maybe you're very aroused during your sexual play and your vagina gets quite wet. During intercourse, however, your arousal goes down again. One possible reason for this may be that vaginal intercourse doesn't do much for you. You might find touching the clitoris more sexually arousing. So, if the clitoris is no longer stimulated during intercourse, your sexual arousal automatically decreases. If this is the case for you, you can practice vaginal arousal. You can read more about different genital arousal techniques. Of course, you or your partner could also stimulate the head of the clitoris (the glans) while having intercourse. But that doesn't solve the problem for everyone.

What if the intercourse is boring?

Another reason may be, of course, that your intercourse is rather monotonous. There are many ways to make it more pleasurable and arousing. You are most likely to have really satisfying sex if you tell your partner what you want.

Having sex only for my partner's sake – yes or no?

Maybe you sometimes want to have sex mostly for the sake of your partner. In these situations, make sure that you have a good lubricant and use it abundantly. Because if you're not sexually aroused, the vagina will not be as wet. And that's when the thrusting penis can hurt. Pain is a pleasure killer. And then it's quite possible that you'll have even less desire for sex the next time. If you go along with it just for your partner's sake too often, you'll start to feel resentment. This decreases your desire for sex even more. And you might develop a feeling of resistance; as a result, your body will tense during sex. High muscle tension can make intercourse even more painful.

Why do I actually participate in sex?

You think you only participate in sex because your partner wants you to? Then you are fooling yourself. Unless they force you and commit sexual assault. But usually you have a choice, even when they push you. Think about why you go along with it. Are you trying to avoid an argument? Do you want to strengthen the relationship? Do you feel that sex is your duty? Are you afraid they will cheat? Are you afraid of losing them? All these are not good reasons to have sex if your vagina is not ready. The pain shows you that you're using sex for something it wasn't made for.

What do I actually want?

Maybe you don't really know if you want sex. When you start cuddling with your partner, try to really be inside your body and sense if you're actually ready for intercourse. Sometimes it helps to talk to your vagina as if you were talking to a person. Ask her if she feels like taking in a penis or dildo right now, or if she would rather have a break today. Maybe your body will also give you other ideas about how you might enjoy sensuality with your partner today.

How do I talk to my partner?

Do you tell your partner when you don't feel like having intercourse? No? Then they might feel it. Or they might not. Or they might pretend not to feel it. You have to tell them that you don't feel like having intercourse. Then they can't pretend to not know. It's really important that you learn to communicate with your partner. You decide what kind of sex you want, not them.

What if I've already come?

It can also happen that you have an orgasm before or early during sexual intercourse. Then, your sexual arousal might decrease, which means your vagina will produce less lubrication. For these instances, it's good to have a lubricant on hand. You may also want to take a little break and increase your sexual arousal again before continuing. Or you can practice savoring your sexual arousal for longer and delaying orgasm.