How much sexual desire is normal? What if two people in a relationship have incompatible sexual desire? What can I do to get more desire for sex?
What is sexual desire?
Sexual desire is the desire to have any kind of sexual activities – with yourself or with others. You might feel a desire to masturbate, but not to have vaginal intercourse. Or you might desire sex with one person, but not with another person. Sexual desire can vary very much depending on the situation, the sexual activitiy, your emotional state and physical fitness, hormones, state of relationship, life situation, age and many other things.
How much sexual desire is normal?
There is no right or wrong when it comes to how much sexual desire you should have. Some people rarely or never feel like they want to have sex. Others want sex all the time. It's not the amount of sexual desire that causes problems. What causes problems is when you're in a relationship and your partner's sexual desire is much higher or lower than yours. None of you is more "right" than the other. The problem is that your needs or wants about something you do with each other are so different. Sexual desire can also become problematic when desire becomes an obsession or compulsion and you feel like you're addicted to sex.
Does sexual desire always preceed sex?
No. In fact, waiting for sexual desire to kick in is a reason why some people hardly have any sex. You probably know the saying: "The appetite comes with eating". This can be true for sex, as well. Sometimes you have to get in the mood first. This is what foreplay is good for. Foreplay might start with a nice dinner, or with a foot massage, or a joined shower, or just cuddling and talking about the day. And then you might kiss and caress each other and slowly feel your way down to your genitalia. And then sexual arousal might kick in. And this arousal might instill the desire for more. So allow your desire to develop during a sexual activity.
Do love and desire for sex go hand in hand?
They can. Sometimes, when you're really in love, you want to be really close and just become one. Sex is hot because it's new, because you can't be close enough to each other, because you want to really form a bond with this person. But it doesn't have to be this way: Maybe you just want to be emotionally close, kiss and cuddle. You're not so much interested in genital closeness. Or it's the other way around: You want to have sex with somebody because they're hot, because you're horny. You don't love them. So loving or not loving somebody or being in love don't guarantee that you feel desire to have sex with this person.
Why did I lose sexual desire after a while?
If your desire was fuelled by your being in love with someone new, by the excitement of it, by the desire to form a bond, it's only natural that this desire goes away when the novelty wears off and you're actually a couple. Mission accomplished, so to speak. Or maybe you have sex to feel emotional close, and then you have kids, and the interactions with them fulfill you so sexual interactions with your partner become somewhat superfluous. You might also lose desire for sex because of conflicts in your relationship. Quite often, also, people lose desire for sex because the sex is just not great. It might be boring. Or arousal might be stressful. Or painful. It might be overshadowed by worries about how well you "function" sexually or how attractive you are. Even if it works out in the end, even if both of you have an orgasm, the bottom line of the entire experience is still negative. Naturally, you won't desire more of this.
What if our desires are just so different?
In a relationship, at any given moment in time, there's usually a lower-desire and a higher-desire partner. One wants more sex than the other. The lower-desire partner might participate in a sexual activity for the sake of pleasing the higher-desire partner. Or the higher-desire partner might renounce sex to avoid a conflict. This is okay, as long as it's not the norm, and there's some sort of equilibrium of who wants more and who wants less. But if one partner is constantly the lower desire partner and repeatedly goes along, they'll eventually start holding grudges – and want even less sex. They might refuse sex. And the higher-desire partner will feel rejected and get frustrated. And before long, both are stuck in a conflict of low-desire partner versus high-desire partner. So we do not recommend having or forgoing sex for the sake of "harmony". This so-called harmony will only be on the surface.
What can I do to raise my desire?
Regardless of emotional and physical fitness, age, hormonal influences or relationship issues, there is one ingredient to sexual desire that you can always rely on: If you enjoy a sexual activity, on a physical and emotional level, you'll be likely to want more of it. Think about your sexual experiences. Look at stuff that isn't so great: How much do you enjoy arousing yourself to an orgasm? Is the physical experience pleasurable? Do you reach an orgasm? Do you feel good an satisfied after it? Or do you experience stressful, strenuous, boring, difficult moments associated with negative thoughts and feelings? No sane person desires sex that isn't arousing or pleasurable. So in order to develop a higher desire for sex you can focus on what you can do to arouse yourself during a particular sexual activity in a more pleasuarble way. For many this isn't easy, for instance, during vaginal intercourse. Check out our sextips, techniques and exercises for women and for men. You'll find many ideas.
What can I do if sex is just boring?
Imagine some food you like. Let's say chocolate cake. So you bake chocolate cake. You eat a lot of it. And it's always the same chocolate cake. As much as you like it, eventually it gets boring. So you change the recipe a bit. You experiment with different chocolate, nuts, spices and so on. Some experiments taste interesting, and you follow up on them. Eventually you work out something that's really tasty. It's the same with sex. Maybe you have no clue how to spice up your sex-life. So you have to be open to try out new stuff. Experiment. Practice new activities, techniques, positions. Don't expect them to "taste" great at first. Many couples try new things once and give up when they don't experience fun or fulfillment. But it's like trying a new dance. Naturally, you'll step on each others' feet first. The more open you are to experiment and practice new stuff, the more interesting youll make your sex life. And this will raise your desire for it. Please also read our text on practicing for sex.
But will my partner go along?
Have you talked with your partner? How have you addressed the issue that your sex life is boring or stressful, or that you want something different? There are ways of telling your partner that are more likely to be successful than others. If you show your partner right after a sexual activity how dissatisfied you are, you'll catch them at their most vulnerable. Not a good idea. Pick a time where you're both relaxed and the mood is good. Don't tell them what you don't want them to do. Tell them what you'd like them to do. If they're hesitant, point out you want to try out new stuff and you don't expect it to be great at first. Tell them you don't expect them to perform. You might even use the word "practice". You'll only find out if your partner is willing and open if you make the first step. And then see where that gets you.
How can I enjoy sex more?
Think about the chocolate cake. Your experience eating it will be totally different depending on if you gobble it down while watching a show, or if you close your eyes, allow the scent of each bite to tease you and then slowly let it melt on your tongue. It's the same with sex. There are a lot of things you can do to enjoy sex more. First of all, you can learn to arouse yourself in a more pleasuarble way in specific sexual activities. Plus you can use your body in a way that allows for more pleasure. For instance, moving is a way to enjoy yourself more than a still or stiff position. You'll find ideas about how to move your body in our sextips, techniques and exercises for women and for men.