Love and Relationship / How do I solve relationship problems?:

Conflict is part of every relationship. That's why it makes sense to adopt a good technique for talking about conflicts. The attitude you have towards your partner is very important here.

This is how conflicts are not resolved

When you disagree, you can take offense and punish your partner with silence and withdrawal of love. You can also reproachfully insist that you are right and that she just needs to be a little more understanding and everything will be fine. Over time, this kind of behavior has a poisonous effect on relationships. The other person may give in to improve the mood, but secretly builds up resentment toward you and turns away from you.

Is it about being right or solving problems?

If your only desire is to convince your partner that you are right, your conversation is doomed to failure. Conflicts can only be resolved if you take the other person seriously and are genuinely interested in what they think, need and want. After all, it's not about who is right, but about finding a solution together. Can you allow two opinions to exist? You are two different people with two different minds. Independence is very important for good romantic relationships.

Why is it so important to be fair?

It's a good idea to develop a good technique for talking about conflicts. There are ways of talking to each other about conflicts that will help you move forward. Other methods lead to escalation - in other words, to a nasty argument and more and more hurt. Every unfair argument is water on the fire of love. Too much water puts out the fire. The fronts harden; the feeling of “togetherness” is lost. Therefore: couples who remain fair in conflict win. As a couple.

Am I able to listen?

To find out what the other person is thinking, you have to listen to them. We all like to read minds, but listening gets us a lot further. Listening is a skill that everyone can learn. To do this, you have to practice listening. So don't blame the other person if they don't succeed in listening straight away. When it comes to difficult topics, people get upset - and may start talking at the other person. Always return to listening and ask if you don't understand something.

Interestingly, people are actually not so good at listening when they are stressed. This is because your body thinks it is in danger. The ears are then more sensitive to shrill and muffled sounds, but not to the human voice. This has to do with your autonomic nervous system (ANS). We recommend this text.

How do I keep calm?

Do you have a conflict? Or you're annoyed with your partner? Can you still wait and address the issue in a reasonably calm manner? Or do you start shouting, explode with anger and clearly show your frustration? What does your partner do in such a case? In a conflict, it is very important that you try to remain calm. If you are upset, you can no longer think clearly. So you say really hurtful things that you regret afterwards. You'll both lose. In this text you will learn how to calm down better. If you notice that you are getting upset, take a time-out with pre-agreed rules. You can find out more about this in this text.

Why does independence help me?

The more difficult or sensitive the topic, the more cautious and tolerant you should be. However, the exact opposite often happens. People fight each other using methods that any referee would ban. These methods are used when you feel that your person is being attacked in an argument. That's why no means are too good to fend off attacks and attack the other person during an argument.

You can deal with such attacks better if you are more independent. Independent means that you are better able to calm and comfort yourself and are not so dependent on the other person. Please read our tips for being more independent.

Why are the words “always” and “never” taboo?

Try to stick to the point. No matter what your partner has done in the past. Avoid words like “always”, “never”, “typically”, “everything” and “again”. If you do use these words, it's a good idea to apologize afterwards. “You never wash the dishes!”, you shout in an argument. Maybe they really didn't do the dishes this morning. If you turn “this morning” into “never”, you inflate the problem. And it sounds as if it's not this morning's dishes that are bothering you, but your partner as a person that is fundamentally bothering you. That makes everyone want to defend themselves. Therefore, focus on the specific things your partner is doing and don't generalize.

Why is “I” better than “you”?

Most sentences that begin with “you” in an argument are accusations. Accusations are attacks. Think about how you yourself react to accusations. You probably get frustrated and angry - like most people. Then you stop listening. The result: your partner is disappointed and you are angry. You won't get anywhere in the conversation and you might avoid the topic in the future. Talk about yourself. About how you feel and what you want. The other person won't feel so offended.

What do I want?

Partners very often tell each other what's wrong with them. They forget to tell each other what they want. They say: “You never wash the dishes!” instead of “I would be happy if you washed the dishes”. Always try to tell them what you want. If you tell another person what you don't want, they are more likely to feel criticized. If you tell them what you want, they have a concrete picture of what they can do.

How am I doing?

Yes, it makes sense to let your partner know how you are doing. In other words, check how you are first. We often forget that. How do you feel when you think about the conflict? What are your thoughts? Why? Anger often masks other feelings. Often it's fear: fear of not being heard or taken seriously. Of going under. Of failing. Of not being loved. Of being rejected. Of being abandoned. Partners can really get to us because they are so close to us. This can cause your self-worth or self-image to falter.

Take some time to figure out what's really bothering you. If you can, talk about it with someone you trust. You may also want to write down your thoughts. It's worth it. Imagine that, after thinking about it for a while, you go for a walk and say to your partner: "I'm actually really afraid that things aren't going to work out between us, because I really want you to take on more responsibility around the house, because I really want to have kids with you, and I'm afraid that we won't be able to make it work. I think for me, doing the dishes is a sign of taking responsibility. Do you understand?”

Can you see this turning into a constructive conversation?

Why is less more?

Talking about conflict fairly doesn't work like this: "While we're at it, I can tell you everything about you that bothers me." It's simply less overwhelming to serve the other person bite-sized onion rings instead of trying to shove the whole onion into their mouth at once. They will spit it out in disgust. They are more likely to swallow the rings. So stick to one topic and postpone other topics. You certainly won't forget them, and next Sunday the timing will be better. When it comes to important things, it's especially wise to wait for a good time.

Why does compassion help?

Have compassion. Remember: the more someone explodes, the more they are under stress. The more they feel threatened in their self-worth, in their self-image. As clumsy as they are, they are trying to communicate something. Nothing calms people down like compassionate listening. When your partner hears “Yes”, “I understand”, or “I'm sorry”, they feel taken seriously.

Why is “but” dangerous?

Look carefully at how you use the word “but”. Every “but” nullifies what was said before: “I understand you, but do you understand me?” - all the other person hears is the accusation that they don't understand you. If, on the other hand, you say: “I'm frustrated because I don't feel understood - but I think I understand your anger”, then the other person feels understood.

What if the other person doesn't stop arguing?

It always takes two to argue, but only one to stop an argument. That person can be you. Stop getting involved in the argument and stick to it. At a later date, you can arrange a meeting for a clarifying conversation.

When is help needed?

If you are unable to resolve a conflict, other people may be able to help. Do you have trusted family members, friends, or colleagues? Professional couples counseling is not a luxury either.