My boyfriend constantly criticizes me about my son. He says I'm too lax in my parenting. He says I let the son's father walk all over me.
Somehow, I always end up caught in the mixdle. If the biological father bails on me, I immediately get into trouble with my boyfriend because I didn't arrange things properly.
I know that I don't do everything perfectly and that I should demand more from my son. My boyfriend complains about that too. It's as if he observes everything that isn't going well and then rubs it in my face. This makes me very tense.
I give what I can, but he makes me feel like it's never enough. This isn't not good for my self-confidence – which isn't really good anyway.
I've told him that his constant criticism isn't good for me, but he doesn't seem to care. He says that this is just the way he is. He says that this is because he felt oppressed in his previous relationship.
I don't know if it makes sense to stay in this relationship. I feel dependent and helpless, and I'm not happy. How can I talk to him about it so that he understands? He gets offended very quickly, and it's difficult to express myself and make myself understood.
Our Answer
You say that your self-confidence isn't really good. This could explain why you allow your boyfriend to constantly criticize you. A more self-confident woman would have given her boyfriend an ultimatum and demanded clear rules for how they interact with each other. And if her boyfriend hadn't complied, continually, she would probably have ended the relationship. The question is: Why isn't your self-confidence really good? What's the story behind that?
From the way you describe your boyfriend, he takes little responsibility for his behavior. You write that he felt oppressed in his previous relationship, and you feel the effects of that. Take a closer look at that. If he felt oppressed, he had the choice to continue to allow himself to be oppressed or not. He could have also had a constructive discussion with his wife to find out why he felt so oppressed and what her problems with him were. He could have confronted himself and seen what his contribution was to feeling oppressed. He didn't do that. And now he's taking it out on you. First it was his ex-partner's “fault” and now it's yours. That's how it sounds to me when you describe it that way. It sounds like a man who doesn't really take responsibility for his life situation and his behavior – but shifts it onto others.
You write that it is difficult to talk about things with your boyfriend because he is easily offended. Being offended can be a form of manipulation: we sulk and want to make the other person feel uncomfortable. This inhibits the other person and they may not confront us next time. (I write “we” because I believe that everyone can react with offense and that everyone can also exhibit manipulative behavior). Acting like this is the opposite of taking responsibility. From your description of your boyfriend, he really doesn't seem to take responsibility.
We can only move forward in life if we take responsibility for our life situations and our behavior. Only then can we do something to change our situation. Otherwise, we see ourselves as helpless victims. And that really doesn't feel good. I would also like to invite you to take responsibility. You write that you feel dependent and at his mercy. I recommend that you don't give your boyfriend the responsibility for this, but take responsibility yourself.
Ask yourself these questions: What is your part in the difficulty of the relationship? Why do you feel dependent and at his mercy? If you are not materially dependent on your boyfriend, then it is a matter of emotional dependence. How did this come about? What is your contribution to the situation reaching this point? As an adult woman with equal rights, you are not at the mercy of your boyfriend either. Again, this is an emotional issue. How did it come about? What was your contribution? What can you do to feel less at the mercy of others and less dependent?
Taking responsibility also means looking out for yourself when your partner treats you badly: if he reacts like he's offended, you could say something like, “I'm telling you this now, even though you're probably going to be offended. Because it needs to be said. It's important to me that you listen to me. Because I'm really struggling here, and I want you to behave differently towards me.” And then you tell him what you want. He needs to know how he should behave in a given situationm, even if he may not like to hear it.
Taking responsibility also means that, if necessary, you accept the consequences and end the relationship if you see that he is not willing to change his behavior towards you.
If you are unable to move forward on your own, you could probably profit from consulting a counselor or therapist. As a single mother in two difficult relationships with men, you are in a very challenging situation. I would really recommend that you find someone to help you become more confident and independent, so that you can stand up to the men in your life and become a proud woman and mother.
More answers, information and tips on