Even if you mean well for your child, you may sometimes do things that are not good for them without realizing it. That is why it is good to take a closer look.
Do I always mean well for my child?
If you have a child, you probably want what is best for that child. But as a mother or father, you cannot always manage to keep this kind, caring attitude. You are stressed, the child drives you up the wall, and suddenly you are in a fight with each other. That is normal. What matters is this: underneath it all, your attitude is still loving and caring. And the fight remains the exception.
But you may also have certain motives toward your child that are not in the child’s best interest. You may not be aware of these motives yourself. That is normal too. As a good mother or father, you take an interest in this and try to change your attitude and behavior.
Here we show you some typical situations and behaviors that many parents are not aware of, and that are not good for children but harmful. Maybe you recognize one or two tendencies in yourself, or in your partner or other parents around you.
Always putting your own needs first
You have had yet another bad day. So you cancel the outing your child was looking forward to because you just do not have the energy. Your child is very disappointed. If this happens once, it is not a problem. You simply could not manage it that time. But suppose this happens often: Your well-being and your needs are more important than the child’s. How your child is doing and what they want are basically dismissed. Your needs come first. The child learns that there is no room for their needs.
Giving the child a role
Ask yourself whether your child is supposed to fit a certain image. For example, the successful daughter or the good son. If your child fits this image, you feel better. In a way, you can boost your own self-esteem through your child.
This may lead your child to develop an inflated self-image and then struggle with the reality of life. Or your child may sense that your image of them does not match their reality. They feel stressed because they do not live up to the ideal. They begin to put themselves down because of it.
Your child may also be pushed by you or other family members into a role that does not feel good: the clumsy one, the problem child, the dumb one, and so on. You, or maybe the whole family, may then look down on the child with more or less obvious contempt. Without realizing it, you raise your own status this way. And the child begins to put themselves down.
Ask yourself: How interesting do you find your child as a person? How much are they allowed to have their own way of being, even if it feels completely foreign to you?
Putting the child in a parent’s role
Imagine you are going through a longer crisis. Maybe your partner has left you. The child is your sunshine, your comfort. As in the section above, the child is pushed into a role here too. But this goes further: the child has to take care of you. In a way, the child takes on a parental role. The child is being used for a purpose.
This is also called parentification: One parent or both parents give the child a parental role and the tasks that come with it. This role is not appropriate for a child. Most of all, it is overwhelming. Your child may have to take on this kind of role for their entire childhood. That is bad. Because a child simply cannot take on this role. They cannot live up to it. They feel: “I am not enough.”
If you see this risk in your child, it is very important that you get support, maybe even professional support, so you can take better care of yourself and take pressure off the child.
Spoiling the child
When parents spoil their child, they take unpleasant things away from them and fulfill their wishes right away. A dream childhood? No. Because the problems begin quickly, as soon as a spoiled child comes into contact with the “real” world. For example, in kindergarten. When they are expected to do things themselves, or when they learn that they do not get everything they want. A spoiled child has not had the chance to learn how to tolerate and manage difficult situations. This is actually very bad for self-worth.
Maybe you spoil your child because you want to give them the freedom to develop in their own way. We now know that this can overwhelm children. Later, they may lack clear perspectives and plans for life, and they may not feel good about that at all.
Maybe you also spoil your child because you do not have the time and energy to set boundaries for your child and work through the conflicts that follow. As harsh as this sounds, spoiling can also be seen as a form of neglect. Here too, the question is: What kind of support can you get? Or is there someone around you who is “stricter” with your child? Even regular contact with that person can help your child.
Manipulating the child
Manipulation is an unpleasant topic. But it would be wrong to close our eyes to it. Because we all can manipulate. And we all do it much more often than we think.
What does manipulation look like? We want something from another person. We know or suspect that the person will not simply give it to us. So we do not ask them openly. Instead, we try to reach our goal in a hidden, indirect way. Usually, we try to make the other person feel that they are to blame if we feel bad. To avoid this feeling of guilt, the person does what they actually did not want to do. And they do not feel good about it.
Suppose your daughter wants to go on vacation with a family she is friends with. You look at her sadly and say, “I hope you have a nice vacation. We’ll manage without you.” Your daughter knows this look and the sad tone of voice. She feels that she is letting you down. She feels guilty. She has a sleepless night. The next morning, she cancels with the family she was going to travel with. Through manipulation, you have managed to make sure she does not “leave” you during the vacation.
There are many everyday examples of manipulation that are not as extreme as the one described here. What can you do to make sure this does not happen so often? We recommend practicing seduction instead. You can find out more in this text about the difference between seduction and manipulation.
Stirring up unpleasant feelings
Even before we can think clearly, we can feel. Fear and shame, for example. Fear and shame are two very unpleasant emotions that we usually want to avoid. When your child is yelled at, they get scared. When they are humiliated, they feel shame. They want to avoid these feelings in the future, so they try to behave in a way that keeps these feelings from being triggered again.
Think about what this is like in your home. Do you or someone else often act out unpleasant emotions in front of your child without control? The child may pick up these unpleasant feelings, or become afraid of them. What they actually need is the opposite: When they experience unpleasant feelings, they should be comforted.
We wrote about manipulation above. Here, unpleasant emotions are stirred up to control the child or to get what you want. It is important that we all become aware of how harmful this is for the child.
Dismissing feelings instead of offering comfort
Maybe you know phrases like “Don’t be so sensitive!” or “You don’t need to be afraid!” Maybe you have seen people being laughed at for being “a scaredy-cat.” Maybe you also know what it is like when anger is punished. There are many ways feelings can be dismissed. But feelings are incredibly important. They are real and honest. They show us how we are doing.
Your role as a mother, father, or other adult caregiver is actually to teach children how to cope with their feelings. Comforting plays an important role here. Comforting means taking the child in your arms. Taking the feeling seriously. Looking at real problems and helping to solve them. Easing worries that have become too big. Calming the child and saying, “It’s just a feeling. It will pass.” It is incredibly important for children to be comforted. This helps them cope better with their feelings as adults and comfort themselves.
Involving the child in marital conflicts
You argue with your partner about raising your child. You think your partner should be stricter with your child. Your partner accuses you of “black pedagogy.” Your child does not know what that means or who is right. But they know that they are the reason for the fight. When parents fight or live in a cold war, children often blame themselves.
It is even worse when both parents separately try to get the child on their side. They talk badly about each other to the child. Maybe they also use the child to “work on” the other person: The child is supposed to “have a good talk with Dad” or “talk some sense into Mom.” The child ends up in a conflict of loyalties. This creates huge inner tension. Because they cannot please both of you at the same time. This is incredibly stressful.
Not backing up words with actions
“I want what is best for you.” Most parents do not just say this. They actually mean it. In general, that is probably true too. But when you look at their behavior in detail, a different picture often appears. Imagine you forbid your son from having contact with a great girl because you do not get along with that girl’s mother. You have a personal interest in your son not having contact with the girl.
If you were honest, you would have to tell him, “I want what is best for me, and that means you lose out.” Instead, your son hears from you, “I only want what is best for you.” He notices that this somehow is not true, because there are many situations where your behavior does not show that. But he wants to trust you. He wants to believe you. So maybe he starts trusting himself and his feelings less.
Justifying behavior with good intentions
Imagine this: You make a snide remark about your daughter’s favorite music. She gets annoyed. She tells you that you are always putting her things down. You say, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just making a joke.” Fair enough. But what if you make another snide remark the next day?
If you really took what she said seriously the day before, and if you were truly sorry, you would try not to make any more snide “jokes” in the future. If, on the other hand, you try to make your behavior look better than it was, you present yourself in a better light. This creates confusion in your daughter’s mind. Deep down, she senses the bad intention. But she no longer trusts her own sense of things.
Planting motives and thoughts in the child’s mind
Children believe many things their parents say. Of course they do: parents are adults and have much more experience. Children are more likely to take what their parents say at face value. This also means that parents can put a lot into a child’s head. Maybe you have said something like this before: “You don’t really want that. You just think you do.” Or: “You’re just like me — I couldn’t stand up for myself very well as a child either.”
With statements like these, you plant ideas and motives in your child’s mind that are not their own. Maybe they then talk themselves into believing that things are the way you say they are. This can also create a lot of confusion in their mind. Because somehow, something feels off. Deep down, they feel different. So they get the feeling that something is wrong with them.
So even if you feel that you know your child inside and out, give them the chance to find out for themselves who they are.
But isn’t this all normal?
Maybe you think we are exaggerating. You may think, this is all normal. No childhood is perfect. Parents are not perfect. You are right. It is normal in the sense that the patterns described here are very common. But that still does not make them good. It is understandable if you act as if all of this is okay.
You may also have thought about your own childhood while reading this. We have written a very similar text from the child’s perspective. We recommend that you read it too. It is not unusual for us, as parents, to repeat exactly the things we suffered from as children without realizing it. The more clearly you recognize these things, the better you can consciously work on overcoming harmful parenting and relationship patterns.