Even if you mean well for your child, you might do things that are not good for them. Often this happens without you realizing it. That’s why it’s important to take a close look.
Do I always mean well for my child?
If you have a child, you probably want the best for them. But as a mother or father, it’s not always possible to maintain this benevolent attitude. You are stressed, your child is driving you crazy, and suddenly, you are fighting. That is normal. What matters is that the underlying attitude remains loving and caring. The conflict should remain the exception.
However, you might also have motives toward your child that are not in their best interest. You might not even be aware of these motives. That is normal too. As a good parent, you pay attention to this and try to change your attitude and behavior.
Here we show some typical situations and behaviors that many parents are not aware of and that can harm children rather than help them. You might recognize some tendencies in yourself, your partner, or other parents around you.
Always putting your own needs first
You’ve had a bad day. So you cancel the outing your child was looking forward to because you just don’t have the energy. Your child is very disappointed. If this happens once, it’s not a problem. You simply couldn’t manage. But if it happens often, your own well-being and needs are more important than your child’s. How your child feels and what they want is basically devalued. Your needs come first. The child learns that their needs don’t matter.
Giving the child a role
Ask yourself if your child is expected to fit a certain image. For example, the successful daughter or the good son? If your child fits this image, you feel better and can boost your own self-esteem.
This can lead your child to develop an inflated self-image and struggle to cope with the reality of life. Or they sense that your image of them does not match their reality. They feel stressed because they don’t meet the ideal and begin to devalue themselves.
It may also be that your child is pushed by you or other family members into a role that isn’t pleasant: the clumsy one, the problem child, the silly one, etc. You, or even the whole family, may look down on them with more or less obvious contempt. Without realizing it, you elevate yourself, and the child begins to devalue themselves.
Ask yourself: How interesting do you find your child as a person? How much can they have “their own self”? Even if that feels completely foreign to you?
Instrumentalizing the child
Imagine you are going through a long crisis. Perhaps your partner has left you. The child is your sunshine, your comfort. Like in the previous example, the child is pushed into a role. But here it goes further: the child has to take care of you. They essentially take on a parental role. They are being used for a purpose.
This is also called parentification: one or both parents give the child an age-inappropriate and overwhelming parental role and the associated responsibilities. Your child may have to take on this role for their entire childhood. This is harmful. A child cannot truly take on this role. They cannot meet these expectations and feel: “I’m not enough.”
If you notice this risk in your child, it is crucial that you seek support, or even professional help, so you can better care for yourself and ease the burden on your child.
Spoiling the child
When parents spoil their child, they shield them from unpleasant experiences and fulfill their every wish. A dreamlike childhood? No. Problems arise quickly once a spoiled child encounters the “real” world, for example in kindergarten. When they are expected to do things themselves or realize they don’t get everything. A spoiled child hasn’t learned to cope with and overcome difficult situations. This is very bad for self-esteem.
You might spoil your child because you want to give them freedom to develop themselves. Studies show this can overwhelm children. They may later lack clear life perspectives and plans, which can make them feel uncomfortable.
You might also spoil your child because you don’t have the time or energy to set boundaries and go through the conflicts that arise. As harsh as it sounds, spoiling can be seen as a form of neglect. Here it’s also important to ask what support you can get. Is there someone in your environment who is “stricter” with your child? Even regular contact with that person can help your child.
Manipulating the child
Manipulation is an unpleasant topic. However, it would be wrong to turn a blind eye to it. We are all capable of manipulation. In fact, we all do it much more often than we realize.
What does manipulation look like? We want something from another person. We know or suspect that they won’t give it to us easily. So instead of asking openly, we try to reach our goal secretly. Usually, we try to make the other person feel that it is their fault if we are feeling bad. To avoid their own guilt, the person does what they would not normally do. They feel bad doing it.
For example, your daughter wants to go on vacation with a friend’s family. You look at her with a sad expression and say, “I hope you have a nice holiday. We’ll manage without you.” Your daughter recognizes this look and tone. She feels she’s letting you down, gets guilty, and has a sleepless night. The next morning, she cancels with the friend’s family. Through manipulation, you made her stay for the holidays.
There are many everyday examples of manipulation that are not as extreme as this. How can we prevent this from happening often? We recommend practicing seduction. You can read more about this in this text that explains the difference between seduction and manipulation.
Triggering unpleasant feelings
Even before we can think clearly, we can feel. Fear and shame, for example. These are very unpleasant emotions we usually want to avoid. When your child is yelled at, they get scared. When they are humiliated, they feel shame. They want to avoid these feelings in the future and try to behave in ways that prevent them.
Think about your home. Do you or others often show uncontrolled unpleasant emotions in front of your child? The child picks up these feelings or becomes afraid of them. Actually, the opposite is needed. When a child experiences unpleasant feelings, they should be comforted.
We talked about manipulation above. Here, unpleasant emotions are triggered to control the child or get what you want. It’s important to recognize how harmful this is for the child.
Devaluing feelings instead of comforting
You might know phrases like “Don’t be such a baby!” or “You don’t need to be scared!” Perhaps you’ve seen people laughed at for being “a scaredy-cat”. Or maybe you have seen anger being punished. There are many ways feelings can be devalued. Yet, feelings are extremely important. They are real and honest. They show us how we feel.
Your role as a mother, father, or adult caregiver is to teach children to manage their feelings. Comforting plays an important role. Comforting means holding the child in your arms, taking their feelings seriously, helping to solve real problems, easing exaggerated worries, calming the child, and saying, “It’s just a feeling. It will pass.” It is extremely important for children to be comforted because it helps them, as adults, to better handle their own feelings and comfort themselves.
Involving the child in marital conflicts
You argue with your partner about raising the child. You think your partner should be stricter, your partner accuses you of harsh parenting. Your child doesn’t know what this means or who is right, but knows they are the reason for the conflict. When parents fight or live in a cold war, children often blame themselves.
Even worse, if both parents try separately to get the child on their side. They speak badly about each other to the child. They may also use the child to influence the other person. The child is supposed to "persuade" Dad or "bring Mom to her senses." The child ends up in a loyalty conflict. It's an inner ordeal. They cannot please both parents at the same time. It is incredibly stressful.
Not backing words with actions
“I want the best for you.” Most parents not only say this but mean it. Fundamentally, this is certainly true. However, when you examine their behavior more closely, a different picture often emerges. For example, imagine that you forbid your son from having contact with a great girl just because you don't get along with her mother. You have a personal interest in your son not having contact with her.
Honestly, you’d have to tell him, “I want the best for me, so you have to take the short end of the stick.” Instead, your son hears, “I just want the best for you.” He notices that something doesn’t add up because there are situations where your behavior doesn’t show that. But he wants to trust you. He wants to believe you. He may then lose trust in himself and his feelings.
Justifying behavior with good intentions
Imagine you make a derogatory comment about your daughter’s favorite music. She gets annoyed and accuses you of always putting her down. You say, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just joking.” Fine. But what if you make another negative comment the next day?
If you truly take her criticism seriously and feel genuinely sorry, you will try not to make such derogatory “jokes” in the future. If, on the other hand, you try to gloss over what you did, you are painting yourself in a better light. This will cause confusion in your daughter's mind. She senses the bad intention but no longer trusts her instincts.
Planting motives and thoughts in the child’s mind
Children believe a lot of what their parents say. After all, parents are adults who are much more experienced. Children tend to take their parents' words at face value. This also means that parents can plant ideas in their child’s mind. You may have said, “You don’t really want that, you just think you do” or “You are like me – I couldn’t stand up for myself well as a child, either.”
With statements like this, you plant ideas and motives in your child’s mind that are not their own. They may convince themselves it is true. It can create great confusion. Somehow, something doesn't feel right. Secretly, they feel differently. This is why they feel like something is wrong with them.
Therefore, even if you feel you know your child inside and out, give them the chance to discover who they are.
Yes, but that’s normal...
You might think we are exaggerating. This is normal, you say. No childhood is perfect. Parents are not perfect. You are right. It is normal in the sense that these patterns are very common. But they are still not good. It is understandable if you pretend everything is okay.
You may have also thought of your own childhood while reading. We have written a very similar text from the child’s perspective. We recommend reading it too. It is not uncommon that parents repeat exactly the things they suffered from as children without realizing it. The clearer you recognize these patterns, the better you can consciously work to overcome harmful parenting and relationship patterns.