Take your time and pay attention to signs of pleasure and desire, as well as to signals that someone doesn’t want to continue. Talking is always a very good idea.
How do I start?
You’re cuddling with someone and want to turn them on? For many people, it’s best to start at the top of the body. Touch them with your hands and mouth on their face, head, neck, and shoulders, then on their arms, hands, stomach, and chest. If they show you that they enjoy your touches, you can move further down. Of course, only if you feel like it yourself.
How can I tell they like it?
How does someone show that they enjoy what you’re doing? They smile, moan, make soft sounds like “mmm,” turn their body toward you, breathe more heavily, kiss you, stroke you, press their body against yours, take things a step further on their own, or tell you directly that it feels good. If you pay attention to your partner’s signals, you’ll notice when it’s the right moment to take off your T-shirt, pants, or underwear – and when it’s okay to do the same for them, if they don’t do it themselves.
How can I tell they don’t like it?
You can also tell when someone doesn't like something. Their body tenses up and becomes stiff, they pull away or push you back. Their facial expression changes, and they might tell you directly that they don’t want this. That means you’ve reached a boundary. The only right thing to do is to respect it. If you don't respect it, you are committing sexual assault. Under certain circumstances, this may be punishable by law. And you will ruin your chances with this person. They might keep going because they feel pressured, not because they want to. Always respect someone’s sexual right to self-determination.
Does sexual arousal always mean pleasure?
Once you’re both naked, it becomes easier to read the signs of sexual arousal. It’s good to look closely and pay attention to what you feel. Also read our tips on petting. But sexual arousal doesn’t necessarily mean a person is enjoying themselves. Sexual arousal can also be caused by tension. So don’t rely only on signs of arousal. Focus more on whether your partner seems to enjoy what’s happening. Sometimes they may enjoy it even if they’re not visibly aroused.
Why is taking your time important?
Let’s say your partner shows or tells you that they don’t want to go further. Then give them time. Don’t get discouraged, you can try again another time. When you give your partner time, their trust in you grows, and so can their desire. Next time, they might be ready to go a step further.
Talking helps prevent misunderstandings…
Sometimes a person may want to have sex but also feel nervous about a new experience. Perhaps simply because it is a new experience. You’ve probably felt like this yourself. You might notice your partner getting tense without clearly saying they want to stop. In that case, the best thing to do is talk. You can’t read minds, so ask if something feels uncomfortable, if you should stop, or if you should try something different.
…and takes away fear
Talking during sex is always a good idea, especially if the other person feels insecure. It can make them feel safer. Tell them how good they feel, smell, or taste, how hot and beautiful you find them, and what you’d like to do. Ask if you can do something specific, how something feels, if anything hurts, or if they’re enjoying it. You can find more tips on talking about sex in this text.