Sexual problems and solutions / How can I (f) learn to have an orgasm?:

To experience an orgasm, it helps not to stress yourself. The more you enjoy sexual arousal, the more likely you are to reach an orgasm eventually. It also helps to intensify sexual arousal with plenty of movement.

What is an orgasm?

Do you want to learn how to reach an orgasm? Before reading further, please first read our texts "How does sexual arousal work?", "What is an orgasm?" and "Why can't I reach an orgasm?".

How do I reach an orgasm?

There isn’t a single right touch at one right spot to reach orgasm. Many paths lead to Rome. And many paths also lead to orgasm. There are countless ways to sexually arouse yourself: rubbing, pressure, vibration, movement, muscle play, fantasies, images, and more. You can be sexually aroused across your entire genitals and at many other places on your body. So it’s not only the clitoral head and the G-spot that are sexually sensitive.

Do you get aroused at the outer genitals? Or inside the vagina? Or at both? Depending on that, you will probably experience orgasms differently. We write more about this in our text "Orgasm: clitoral or vaginal?" Are you particularly interested in sexual arousal in the vagina? Then also read our text "How do I get aroused in the vagina?"

I am frustrated – what can I do?

You might know this: You have tried many times to reach an orgasm, and it has become increasingly frustrating because it just didn’t happen. The orgasm then becomes an orgasMUST, so to speak. It becomes something that must happen. Only if there is an orgasm does the sex feel like it worked. What’s the problem here? You don’t enjoy sex much with these thoughts. And pleasure is a key ingredient for orgasm: Sexual arousal + pleasure => orgasm.

There’s a saying: "The journey is the destination". And this applies to orgasm too. If you keep your eyes on the goal, you constantly think, "When will I finally come?". If you focus your attention on the path, you will be able to concentrate on the feelings and experiences associated with sexual arousal. You then notice how pleasant it is. By doing this, you fill the pleasure pot more and more, so to speak.

Our tip: Next time you get sexually aroused, set yourself the goal not to have an orgasm. Set the goal to feel what is happening and to find it okay.

The journey is the destination

Again: Don’t put yourself under pressure – pressure is far from sexually arousing! Instead, aim to enjoy. Enjoy what you experience. Enjoyment is the path to orgasm. If you try to speed toward orgasm like on a highway, you’ll miss out on all the beautiful sensations along the way. And those sensations are exactly what feed your orgasm. The secret of orgasm lies not in the orgasm itself, but in how you experience and enjoy sexual arousal, and in how you use your body during it. What you do, feel, and experience during arousal provides the ingredients for orgasm.

Tensing muscles – yes or no?

To trigger and intensify sexual arousal, muscle tension is needed. For example, in the pelvic floor, abdomen, or buttocks. For many people, holding muscles tight for several minutes works well. For others, it doesn’t. This can be because blood flow to the genitals is limited, so sensations are weaker, or because it triggers stressful thoughts. More about the pros and cons of sustained high muscle tension can be found in this text.

In sexual therapy practice, we often see that people hit limits during sex due to very high muscle tension. Therefore, we recommend alternating tension and relaxation of muscles—plainly: movement. Read this text for more information.

Play with movement

The pelvic swing movement (see image below) is a good way to promote blood flow in the pelvis. This helps you reach orgasm during vaginal intercourse. Even if you stimulate your outer genitals, you will experience it more intensely if you move your pelvis. Tips for this can be found in this text.

Moving your upper body supports the pleasurable experience of sexual arousal. This is important, as enjoyment is a key ingredient for orgasm. 

Playing with pelvic floor muscles also promotes sexual arousal and blood flow. Exercises for this are described in this text.

How do I reach the last stretch to orgasm?

To increase sexual arousal to orgasm, you need more intensity.  This brings you to the point where the orgasm reflex is triggered. This could mean: touches become stronger and faster, muscle tension increases, muscles "pump" more, movements become faster, bigger, and stronger, breathing intensifies, voice gets louder, fantasies become more vivid. We recommend playing with this intensification and noticing what you experience.

How do I experience orgasm more intensely?

To experience a stronger orgasm, it helps if sexual arousal spreads through the body. You can occasionally circle your pelvis or make a figure-eight motion with it. Imagine you are a plant in water and let yourself be moved by the water. The flowing movements help the arousal move through your whole body, especially if you breathe deeply into your abdomen.

Open mouth and voice

During sexual arousal, open your mouth, ideally at least a finger’s width. The mouth is connected to the pelvic floor. When the mouth is relaxed and open, the pelvic floor relaxes too. It’s also helpful to make a sound while exhaling, like "Aaah" or "Mmmmm." What do you feel when you do this? Have you noticed that the voice triggers movement and vibration in your body? You can use this for your sexual arousal and pleasure.

How can I learn to let go?

During orgasm, you release physical sexual arousal along with emotional release. On a physical level, the orgasm reflex is triggered. You experience it more intensely the better you can also "let go up top". That means in your chest, shoulders, neck, head. Letting go takes practice. And you learn well by pretending. Through the movements and sounds alone, it's hard not to let go. Do you know the movie "When Harry Met Sally"? You might want to watch it. There’s a scene where Sally fakes an orgasm in a restaurant. You can also "practice" such an orgasm alone as often as possible. Over time, it won’t feel strange anymore.

How long does it take?

Important: Orgasms don’t just happen. Your brain needs repetition to learn something new. This is how sexual learning works. This means you need to be patient. We recommend trying it out and repeating it often. Perhaps half an hour, three times a week. Or five minutes, five times a week. You can find more tips on practicing in this text.

Why practice alone?

We recommend that you practice alone, without your partner being present. Alone, you can focus entirely on yourself without interruption. Allow yourself to exaggerate as you arouse yourself sexually – all movements, breathing, sounds. You are alone. No one sees or hears you. If your walls are thin and bother you, play music. Exaggeration helps your body learn and reduces inhibitions. This is especially important if you want to orgasm with a partner later.

How can I learn to show myself?

If you can watch yourself during masturbation, you will feel more comfortable showing yourself to someone else during sex. You will feel more relaxed being seen while aroused or having an orgasm. One exercise: arouse yourself in front of a mirror and observe your sexual pleasure. You can exaggerate playfully. If it feels awkward, you can start by covering a lamp with a red cloth to tone down the light.

Why should I know about orgasm?

You may be reading here for the first time that orgasm is learnable and what it requires. Lack of information can cause problems. It’s important to know: you have a right to accurate, up-to-date information about sexuality.