Sexuality: facts and tips / What is an orgasm - and how do I get there?:

To experience an orgasm, it helps not to put pressure on yourself. The more you enjoy feeling aroused, the more likely you are to eventually have an orgasm. It can also help to build up arousal through movement.

What is an orgasm?

Do you want to learn how to reach an orgasm? Before you continue, we recommend reading our texts "How does sexual arousal work?", "What is an orgasm?" and "Why can't I reach an orgasm?" first.

How can I have an orgasm?

There isn’t one specific touch or one exact spot that will lead to orgasm. There are many different ways to get there. There are countless ways to turn yourself on: rubbing, pressure, vibration, movement, muscle tension, fantasies, images, and more. You can feel aroused in many parts of your genitals and also in other areas of your body. So it’s not just the clitoral head or the G-spot that are sensitive.

Do you feel arousal more in your outer genitals, inside the vagina, or both? Depending on this, you may experience orgasms differently. You  can read more about this in our text "Orgasm: clitoral or vaginal?" Are you particularly interested in arousal in the vagina? Then you might also find this helpful: "How do I get aroused in the vagina?"

I'm frustrated – what might help?

You might recognize this: you've tried many times to have an orgasm, and it has become frustrating because it just doesn’t happen. Over time, it can start to feel like an orgasm is a must — something that has to happen. Sex can then start to feel like it only "counts" if you orgasm. The problem is that this pressure makes it harder to enjoy what's happening. And pleasure is a key ingredient for orgasm: Sexual arousal + pleasure = orgasm.

There’s a saying: "The journey is the destination". This also applies here. If you focus only on the goal, you may find yourself thinking, "When will I finally come?". If instead you focus on what you’re feeling, you can notice how good arousal can feel in your body. Little by little, you build up more pleasure.

Our tip: Next time you get aroused, try not to aim at orgasm at all. Instead, focus on noticing what you feel and allowing it to be okay.

Enjoying the journey

Again: don’t put yourself under pressure – pressure is not arousing. Instead, focus on enjoyment. Enjoy what you feel. If you rush toward orgasm like you're on a highway, you might miss many of the sensations along the way. And those sensations are exactly what build your orgasm. The key is not the orgasm itself, but how you experience and enjoy sexual arousal, and how you use your body while you're aroused. Everything you do, feel, and experience during arousal helps build your orgasm.

Should I tense my muscles?

Muscle tension is an important part of building and intensifying arousal, for example in your pelvic floor, abdomen, or buttocks. For many people, holding tension for several minutes works well. For others, it doesn’t. This may be because blood flow to the genitals is reduced, making sensations weaker, or because it can trigger stressful thoughts. You can find more about the pros and cons of sustained high muscle tension in this text.

In sexual therapy, we often see that very high muscle tension can limit people during sex. That's why we recommend alternating between tension and relaxation — in simple terms: movement. Read this text for more information.

Move your body

Moving your pelvis in a gentle rocking motion (see image below) can help increase blood flow in the pelvic area. This can help you reach orgasm during vaginal intercourse. Even when you stimulate your outer genitals, you may notice that movement makes sensations more intense. You can find tips on this in this text.

Moving your upper body can also support your experience of pleasure. This matters because enjoyment is a key part of orgasm. 

Playing with your pelvic floor muscles can also increase arousal and blood flow. You can find exercises for this in this text.

How do I get closer to orgasm?

To move from arousal to orgasm, you need more intensity.  This is what triggers the orgasm reflex. This might mean: touch becoming stronger or faster, muscle tension increasing, movements becoming bigger or quicker, breathing becoming deeper or faster, sounds becoming louder, fantasies becoming more vivid. We recommend experimenting with this and noticing what feels right for you.

How can I make orgasms feel more intense?

Orgasm can feel stronger when arousal spreads through your whole body. You can try circling your pelvis or moving it in a figure-eight. Imagine you are a plant in water and let the water move you. With these flowing movements, arousal can flow through your whole body. It flows especially well when you breathe deeply into your belly.

Open your mouth and use your voice

When you’re aroused, try opening your mouth. Ideally, keep it slightly open, about the width of a finger. The mouth is connected to the pelvic floor. When your mouth is relaxed and open, your pelvic floor can relax too. It can also help to make a sound as you exhale, like “aaah” or “mmmm.” Notice what you feel when you do this. You may feel how your voice creates movement and vibration in your body. You can use this to support your arousal and increase your pleasure.

 

How can I learn to let go?

During orgasm, physical and emptional tension are released. The orgasm reflex is triggered in your body. You may experience this more intensely the better you can also let go in your upper body, especially in your chest, shoulders, neck, and head. Letting go takes practice. One way to learn is by pretending. Through movement and sound, your body often naturally begins to let go. Do you know the movie "When Harry Met Sally"? You might want to watch it. There is a scene where Sally fakes an orgasm in a restaurant. You can try something similar on your own, as often as you like. Over time, it will start to feel more natural.

How long does it take?

Orgasms don’t just happen. Your brain needs repetition to learn something new. This is how sexual learning works. This means you need to be patient. ry things out and give yourself time to repeat them regularly. You might practice for 30 minutes three times a week, or for 5 minutes five times a week. You can find more tips on practicing in this text.

Why should I practice alone?

We recommend practicing alone at first, without your partner being there. When you are alone, you can focus fully on yourself without being disturbed. Give yourself permission to exaggerate while you become aroused. You can exaggerate everything, your movements, your breathing, and the sounds you make. You are alone. No one can see or hear you. If your walls are thin and that bothers you, you can simply play some music. Exaggeration helps your body learn and can reduce inhibitions. This is especially important if you want to have an orgasm with a partner later.

How can I feel more comfortable showing myself?

If you can watch yourself during masturbation, it can become easier to show yourself to someone else during sex. You may feel more relaxed when someone sees you while you are aroused or having an orgasm. We have an exercise for this. Try touching yourself in front of a mirror and observe how you experience sexual pleasure. You can exaggerate this a little in a playful way. If that feels uncomfortable, you can start by softening the light, for example by placing a red cloth over a lamp.

Why does it help to understand orgasm?

You may be reading here for the first time that orgasm is something you can learn and what it takes. A lack of information can lead to problems. It is important to know that you have a right to accurate and up to date information about sexuality.