Sexual fantasies happen when you are sexually aroused. They can be quite extreme or strange. Maybe this troubles you. Maybe you feel dependent on them, or maybe they get in the way of sex with your partner. In this text, you will find answers to common questions.
What are sexual fantasies?
Sexual fantasies are thoughts, images, stories, and daydreams you have when you are sexually aroused. They can happen during sex by yourself or with other people. You may also have them when you are not having sex. Maybe you think about something and find it sexually arousing. Maybe you can bring up your sexual fantasies on purpose. Or maybe they simply appear. You may experience them as pleasant or unpleasant. They can increase your sexual arousal. If they feel very unpleasant, they can also get in the way of sexual arousal.
Do all people have sexual fantasies?
We can all fantasize. There is always something going on in our minds. Maybe you think, “I don’t have sexual fantasies.” But during sex, you probably have some idea of what you are doing or what is happening. Try closing your eyes and noticing what happens in your mind. That in itself is a fantasy. Most of us have images, ideas, or stories that are often or always present during sex. We only do not have them when our mind is somewhere else and we are thinking about something different.
Which fantasies are normal?
All sexual fantasies are normal. Everything we experience or see can become part of a sexual fantasy, even if it has nothing to do with sex. Sexual fantasies can include the wildest images. Things can happen in them that you would not want to do in real life, or that you could not do in real life. It is similar to dreams. Actually, sexual fantasies can enrich your sexuality. That is why it is a good idea to be curious about them in a kind way, instead of putting them down. Maybe you have sexual fantasies about things that are illegal. If so, please read this text.
Sexual Fantasies = Sexual Preferences?
Some sexual fantasies show you what sexual needs you have in real life. They can show you what kind of sexual person you would like to be. But that is not always the case. Sexual fantasies often include things that you do not want in “real” life. Not only pleasant things can be sexually arousing. That is why sexual fantasies may include things that you would not find pleasant in real life. Maybe you experience yourself in your sexual fantasies in a way that is not at all how you want to be in real life. That is normal. Sexual fantasies are like dreams: They are not reality.
How do sexual fantasies develop?
Sexual fantasies can develop at any time. Even young children can have sexual fantasies. You become aroused, and while you are aroused, you think about something that happened. Or suddenly an image appears. Or some kind of idea. The content of sexual fantasies is connected to things you have seen or experienced. It is also connected to your personal sexual learning history. And it is connected to what you do with your body while you become sexually aroused.
What do sexual fantasies have to do with the body?
A lot. What happens in your mind fits with what you do with your body. There are many different techniques people use to become sexually aroused. Some techniques involve pressure and strong muscle tension. Others involve fast rubbing. Others involve more movement. Some people stimulate certain parts of the body in a certain way. Other people stimulate other parts of the body in a different way. There are also different positions: sitting, lying on your back, lying on your stomach, standing, and so on. Everything you do and experience with your body is translated into the images that arise during sexual arousal.
What role does body movement play?
When you move your body during sexual arousal, you are more likely to have ideas or images of yourself actively doing something. When you stay still, your fantasies are more likely to be about something happening to you. Or you may be watching something happen outside your body, like a spectator. Ask yourself: In your fantasies, are you watching? Are you passive? Are you active? Pelvic movements in particular can support fantasies in which you actively take what you want during sex. You may also be interested in this text for women and this text for men.
When you move in a relaxed way and breathe deeply, you are also more likely to have pleasant feelings and more “loving” fantasies. That is because your body is in a state it connects with safety and good relationships and encounters. Movements in the upper body are especially helpful for this. You can read more about this in these tips.
Why do I have "hard" fantasies?
Maybe you become aroused with very high muscle tension. You breathe shallowly and keep your body still. This is the same thing your nervous system does during stress and danger. So your brain also thinks that there is stress and danger. This is linked to feelings such as fear, shame, anger, and disgust. You are more likely to see enemies and think about bad things that could happen. This is also called the “fight-or-flight response.” So if your body is in this very tense state during sexual arousal, fantasies are more likely to come up in which things are rough. Or fantasies in which humiliation plays a role, and “bad” things happen. Please also read this text.
If it bothers you that violence and humiliation play a role in your sexual fantasies, it is important that you move out of tension during sex and into more movement, as we describe in the section above. On the one hand, this calms your nervous system. On the other hand, you are more likely to feel active instead of helpless.
Why do I have "disturbing" fantasies?
Maybe bad or disturbing things happen in your sexual fantasies. Maybe they are not even about sex. You may find them perverse or disturbing. How does a fantasy like this develop? Maybe you experienced or saw something that triggered very strong, unpleasant feelings. For example, fear, shame, or disgust. Feelings this intense often come with strong muscle tension. Then at some point, maybe years later, you masturbate. Back then, you were tense because of stress or excitement. Now you tense your muscles to become sexually aroused. And because this feels similar in your body, the memory from back then pops up in your brain. During masturbation. Every time. And each time you masturbate, this memory becomes more connected with sexual arousal. It turns into a sexual fantasy.
It can also happen that the unpleasant feelings back then directly triggered sexual arousal. Intense feelings can trigger sexual arousal, especially when they come with high muscle tension. Please read this text about sexual arousal. Then it makes even more sense that something you saw or experienced can develop into a sexual fantasy.
If you want to put new, different fantasies alongside these fantasies, we recommend the same thing as with “hard” fantasies: more movement, both in your pelvis and in your upper body. This makes it less likely that your brain will connect the unpleasant experience with sexual arousal.
Why are sexual fantasies so extreme?
For sexual arousal to build toward orgasm, it needs more intense stimulation. Fantasies can provide this stimulation through more extreme and exaggerated ideas and images. For example, the idea of a giant animal’s penis is much more intense than the penis of an ordinary person. The idea of extremely large breasts, sex with many people, or forbidden things is also much more intense. You may know these extreme images from your dreams when you sleep. Usually, people find their dreams less perverse than their sexual fantasies. But the most incredible things can happen in dreams too. That is normal as well. Again: Sexual fantasies are not reality.
What should I do if I feel ashamed?
Many people feel ashamed of their “strange,” “extreme,” or “perverse” fantasies. Shame is actually something good. It keeps us from doing things we should not do because someone could be harmed. But sometimes shame gets in the way of sexual pleasure. Or you may feel ashamed of your fantasies after sex. You can reduce shame more easily if you move more during sex and breathe deeply. This supports more pleasant feelings. Please read this text about movements in the upper body.
Should I tell my partner about my fantasies?
You can decide whether you want to tell your partner about your fantasies, and how much you want to share. Keep to yourself what you want to keep to yourself. It is something that is completely your own. It belongs only to you.
On the other hand, it can also be erotic to talk about certain fantasies. Or you and your partner may imagine sexual fantasies together as a couple. This can enrich your shared sexuality. Maybe you also want to act out a certain fantasy with someone. That can be exciting and enjoyable. But it can also be disappointing. Reality often cannot live up to fantasy.
What if I don't fantasize about my partner?
Most people fantasize about people who are not their partner. At the same time, they love their partner and only want to have sex with them. That is normal. The people in sexual fantasies give an extra kick and turn you on. They are a means to an end. Your fantasy brings them in for the purpose of sexual arousal. They are not real partners. That means you also cannot “cheat” with them.
It is different if you constantly fantasize about one person because you also want to have sex with them in real life. Or because you are in love with them. Then you also think about this person a lot outside of sex. In that case, your fantasy may show you that something is missing in your relationship, and that you want something different.
What if my fantasies do not fit with loving sex?
Do you want to share and explore your kinks with someone else? You can talk about what you would like to try. If the other person does not want to join in, you can learn to become sexually aroused in a more relaxed, more movement-based way, as we described above. This can help you connect sexuality with more pleasant, more “loving” feelings and thoughts when you want to.
What if my fantasy does not fit who I am?
You can draw a clear line between “me” and “sexual fantasy.” If this does not work for you, you can do something to expand your arousal technique. Please read the section with practice tips below. This can help you create new fantasy images. The old ones will not simply “disappear.” But they will become less important, and you will be able to do without them too.
What do fantasies have to do with sexual orientation?
Your sexual fantasies can show you who you are attracted to as a person. Maybe your fantasies are signs for you that you are queer. But that does not have to be the case. Maybe you fantasize about having sex with people of your own gender. Or maybe, in your fantasies, you are especially interested in people of your own gender. But in real life, you are more likely to fall in love with people of another gender and want to have sex with them. Then your fantasies may have more to do with discovering your own gender and finding it sexually arousing. In your fantasies, other people live this out for you. This is not about your sexual orientation, but about your own femininity or masculinity. The other way around is also possible: If you are queer, you can also fantasize about heterosexual sex. What matters for your sexual orientation is who you are attracted to in real life.
What do fantasies have to do with gender identity?
You may fantasize about having another gender. That does not necessarily mean that you want this in real life. But another gender can feel exciting and fascinating. If you are a man and you slip into a woman’s body or clothes, you are slipping into the woman, so to speak. You are “penetrating” her, in a way. This can be highly arousing. Or maybe you are a woman and imagine that you have a penis. Why not? It is great that fantasy makes this possible.Try strongly tensing your pelvic floor muscles and thrusting your pelvis forward. Then imagine that you have a penis, a rod, or something long and hard inside you. The muscle tension and thrusting can make it easy to imagine this. Our brain translates physical experiences into fantasies.
Does fantasizing about being penetrated mean I'm gay?
We often get questions from boys or men who fantasize about being penetrated. They wonder if this means they are gay. Many of them are actually attracted to women. Here we want to make this clear once and for all: First, a man is not gay just because he likes being penetrated. Second, this fantasy has to do with the arousal technique. Imagine you are lying on your stomach, tensing your muscles, and pressing on your penis. Because your muscles are so tense, you may not feel your penis very well. But through the tense muscles, you may feel your anal area more clearly. The anus becomes more interesting. And this can create an image of someone penetrating the anus.
If you also want to have fantasies in which you enter somewhere with your penis, you can practice that. Imagine masturbating while standing in the shower and letting your penis move into your hand with pelvic movements. This is more likely to create fantasies of your penis entering somewhere.
What if my fantasy gets in the way of sex with my partner?
Maybe during sex with your partner, you drift off into a fantasy that has nothing to do with what is happening right now. Or maybe you have to bring up certain fantasies so you can become sexually aroused, or so your arousal can build toward orgasm. Your eyes are closed, and you are “away in the fantasy.” Your partner feels somehow left alone. Then it makes sense to practice becoming sexually aroused in new ways. This can help you expand your “sexual arousal menu” and become less dependent on your fantasies. If you have a penis, we recommend these practice tips for sex with a partner. If you have a vagina and want to learn how to become more aroused during vaginal intercourse, we recommend these tips.
What if only one very specific thing works anymore?
The more uncertain your sexual arousal feels, the more you may focus on certain fantasy images. It is very possible that these images then become more and more extreme. Because you need a stronger and stronger kick for it to still work. It is also possible that you need very specific images or ideas, and that without them, it no longer works. This is called fetish fantasy. Instead of forbidding yourself these images or ideas, we recommend practicing ways to make your sexual arousal more reliable. You can do this no matter how old you are. Sexually, you can keep learning throughout your whole life.
Tips for expanding your fantasies
When you have a wider menu of ways to become sexually aroused, your fantasies become more varied, and you are less dependent on certain images. To expand your menu, it is good to try new things and repeat them often. Take a look at what your arousal technique is and how you can expand it. To learn more, please read this text and the texts it links to.
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