Sexual fantasies occur when you are sexually aroused. They can be quite extreme or strange. You may have problems with them. You may be addicted to them, or they may interfere with your couple sexuality. In this text you will find answers to frequently asked questions.
What are sexual fantasies?
Sexual fantasies are ideas, images, stories and daydreams you have when you are sexually aroused. They appear during sex alone and with others. You may also have them when you are not having sex. You may think about something that is sexually arousing. You may be able to actively evoke your sexual fantasies. Or maybe they just happen. You may find them pleasant or unpleasant. They may increase your sexual arousal. If they are very unpleasant, they can also interfere with sexual arousal.
Does everyone have sexual fantasies?
We can all fantasize. There's always something going on in our minds. You may think, "I don't have sexual fantasies". But you probably have an idea of what you're doing or what's happening during sex. Then close your eyes and see what's happening in your mind. That in itself is a fantasy. Most of us have images, ideas, or stories that are often or always present during sex. We only don't have them when our mind is not on the matter at hand and we are thinking about something else.
What fantasies are normal?
All sexual fantasies are normal. Anything we experience or see can become a sexual fantasy. Even if it's not about sex. The craziest images can appear in sexual fantasies, and things can happen that you don't want to or can't do in reality. It's the same with dreams. But sexual fantasies actually enrich your sexuality. So it's a good idea to take a friendly interest in them instead of devaluing them. Perhaps you have sexual fantasies about criminal things. Then please read this text.
Sexual Fantasies = Sexual Preferences?
Some sexual fantasies show you the sexual needs you have in reality. They can show you what kind of (sexual) person you want to be. But that's not always the case. Sexual fantasies often include things you don't want in "real" life. Not only nice things are sexually arousing, so sometimes things happen in sexual fantasies that you don't find nice in real life. You may not experience yourself in your sexual fantasies the way you like to be in real life. This is normal. Sexual fantasies are like dreams: they are not reality.
How do sexual fantasies occur?
Sexual fantasies can occur at any time. Even young children can have sexual fantasies. You get aroused and think about something that happened. Or suddenly an image appears. Or an imagination. The content is related to things you have seen or experienced. And with your personal sexual learning history. They are also related to what you do with your body when you are sexually aroused.
How are sexual fantasies related to the body?
Very closely. What happens in your mind corresponds to what you do with your body. There are many different techniques people use to become sexually aroused. Some are associated with pressure and strong muscle tension, others with fast rubbing, others with more movement. Some stimulate certain parts of the body in a certain way, others stimulate other parts of the body in a different way. Then there are different positions: sitting, lying on your back, lying on your stomach, standing, and so on. Everything you do and experience physically is translated into the images that arise during sexual arousal.
What role does physical movement play?
When you move your body while sexually aroused, you are more likely to have fantasies involving you being active. If you are still, it is more likely that something is happening to you in your fantasies. Or you may be a spectator, observing something happening outside your body. Think about it: Are you a spectator in your fantasies? Are you passive? Or are you active? Pelvic movements in particular encourage fantasies about actively getting what you want during sex. You may be interested in reading this text for women and this text for men.
If you move freely and breathe deeply, you are more likely to experience pleasant feelings and "more loving" fantasies because your body associates this state with security, good relationships and positive encounters. Upper body movements are particularly helpful here. Take a look at these tips.
Why do I have "hardcore" fantasies?
Perhaps you become aroused when your muscles are very tense. You breathe shallowly and keep your body still. This is the same response that your nervous system has when you are stressed or in danger. Consequently, your brain thinks you are stressed and in danger. This is accompanied by feelings such as fear, shame, anger and disgust. You tend to see enemies and think about bad things that could happen. This is also known as the "fight-or-flight response". Therefore, when your body is in this tense state of sexual arousal, fantasies tend to arise in which things get rough. Or where humiliation plays a role and "bad" things happen. Please read this text as well.
If you are bothered by the fact that violence and humiliation appear in your sexual fantasies, it is important to be more active during sex, as described in the above section. This will calm your nervous system and make you feel more active and less helpless.
Why do I have "abnormal" fantasies?
Maybe your fantasies involve unpleasant or disturbing events that aren't even about sex. You may consider them perverse or abnormal. How do such fantasies arise? You may have experienced or witnessed something that triggered strong, unpleasant emotions. For example, fear, shame, or disgust. These intense feelings are accompanied by strong muscle tension. Then, perhaps years later, you masturbate. Back then, you were tense from stress or excitement, and now, you tense your muscles to arouse yourself sexually. Because it feels so similar, the memory from back then pops up in your brain. During masturbation. Every time. With each instance of masturbation, this memory becomes more associated with sexual arousal. It becomes a sexual fantasy.
It's also possible that the unpleasant feelings at the time triggered sexual arousal directly. Intense feelings can trigger sexual arousal. This is especially true when they are accompanied by high muscle tension. Please read this text about sexual arousal. Then, it makes sense that what you saw or experienced could develop into a sexual fantasy.
If you want to counter these fantasies with different ones, we recommend the same approach as for "hardcore" fantasies: more movement in the pelvis and upper body. This makes it harder for your mind to connect the unpleasant experience with sexual arousal.
Why are sexual fantasies so extreme?
In order to build sexual arousal to the point of orgasm, more intense stimulation is needed. Fantasies provide this stimulation — with more extreme, exaggerated ideas and images. For example, the idea of a giant animal's penis is much more intense than that of a normal human penis. The same is true for the idea of ultra-large breasts, sex with lots of people, or forbidden things. You may also be familiar with these extreme images from your dreams. Typically, people view their dreams as less perverse than their sexual fantasies. Yet, the most incredible things happen in dreams. That is normal, too. Again, sexual fantasies are not reality.
What should I do if I feel ashamed?
Many people feel ashamed of their "strange," "extreme," or "perverse" fantasies. Shame is actually a good thing. It prevents us from doing things that could hurt someone. However, sometimes shame interferes with sexual pleasure, or you may feel ashamed of your fantasies after sex. You can reduce shame by moving more and breathing deeply during sex. This promotes more pleasant feelings. Please read this text about upper body movements.
Should I tell my partners about my fantasies?
Ultimately, it's up to you to decide how much you want to share with your partners. Keep to yourself whatever you want to keep to yourself. They are your own personal things. They belong only to you.
On the other hand, sharing certain fantasies can also be erotic. You can also imagine sexual fantasies together as a couple. This can greatly enrich your shared sexuality. You may also want to act out certain fantasies with someone. This can be exciting and enjoyable. But it can also be disappointing. Reality often cannot live up to fantasy.
What if I don't fantasize about my partner?
Most people fantasize about people who aren't their partners. They love their partners and only want to have sex with them. That's normal. The characters in sexual fantasies provide an extra kick and arouse you sexually. They are a means to an end. Your imagination creates them purely for sexual arousal. They are not real partners. Therefore, you cannot "cheat" on your partner with them.
It's different if you constantly fantasize about someone because you want to have sex with them in real life. Or because you are in love with them. In that case, you think about this person a lot, regardless of sex. These fantasies show you that something is missing in your relationship and that you want something else.
What if your fantasies don't align with your idea of loving sex?
Would you like to share and explore your kinks with others? You can talk about what you would like to try. If the other person doesn't want to participate, you can learn to arouse yourself in a relaxed and active way, as described above. This will allow you to associate sexuality with more pleasant and "loving" feelings and thoughts when needed.
What if my fantasy doesn't suit me?
You can draw a clear line between "me" and "sexual fantasy." If you have difficulty doing so, there are ways to expand your arousal techniques. Read the section below for exercise tips. This will help you create new fantasy images. The old ones won't just "disappear." But they will become less important, and you won't need them anymore.
How are fantasies related to sexual orientation?
Your sexual fantasies can reveal who you are attracted to. Maybe your fantasies are a sign that you're queer. However, that doesn't have to be the case. Maybe you fantasize about having sex with people of your own gender. Or maybe you're particularly interested in people of the same gender in your fantasies. In real life, however, you tend to fall in love with and want to have sex with people of the opposite sex. In that case, your fantasies may be more related to discovering your own gender and finding it sexually arousing. In your fantasies, other people act this out for you. This has nothing to do with your sexual orientation but rather with your own femininity or masculinity. Conversely, if you are queer, you may also fantasize about heterosexual sex. Your sexual orientation is determined by what you are into in real life.
How are fantasies related to gender identity?
You may fantasize about being a different gender. That doesn't mean you want to actually be one. The opposite sex can be attractive and fascinating. When you, as a man, step into a woman's body or clothes, you slip into the woman. So to speak. You "penetrate" her, so to speak. This can be highly arousing. Or you are a woman and imagine you have a penis. Why not? It's great that your imagination makes this possible. Tense your pelvic floor muscles and thrust your pelvis forward. Then, imagine that you have a penis or something long and hard inside you. The muscle tension and thrusting will make it easy to imagine. Our brain translates physical experiences into fantasies.
Does fantasizing about being penetrated mean I'm gay?
We often receive questions from boys and men who have these fantasies. They wonder if this means they are gay. Many of them are actually attracted to women. We would like to clarify this once and for all. First, a man is not gay just because he likes to be penetrated. Second, this fantasy is related to arousal techniques. Imagine lying on your stomach, tensing your muscles, and pressing on your penis. Because your muscles are so tense, you can't feel your penis very well. However, the tense muscles make you more aware of your anal region. The anus becomes more interesting. Thus, you may fantasize about someone penetrating your anus.
If you want to fantasize about inserting your penis somewhere, you can practice. Imagine masturbating in the shower and using pelvic movements to let your penis enter your hand. This will make it more likely that you will have fantasies about your penis entering somewhere.
What if fantasies interfere with your sexuality as a couple?
Maybe during sex with your partner, you find yourself drifting off into a fantasy that has nothing to do with the present moment. Maybe you need to conjure up fantasies to become or become more sexually aroused, or to reach orgasm. You close your eyes and become "lost in fantasy." Your partner may feel left alone. It makes sense to practice new ways of becoming aroused. This will expand your "sexual arousal menu" and reduce your dependence on fantasies. If you have a penis, we recommend these tips for practicing couple sexuality. If you have a vagina and want to learn how to become more aroused during vaginal intercourse, follow these tips.
What if only something very specific works for you?
The less reliable your sexual arousal is, the more you will rely on certain fantasy images. These images may become increasingly extreme. This is because you need a stronger stimulus to become aroused. It is also possible that you will need very specific images or ideas, without which it will no longer work. These are referred to as fetish fantasies. Rather than forbidding yourself these images or ideas, we recommend practicing to establish a more reliable source of sexual arousal. You can do this no matter how old you are. You can continue to learn about sex throughout your life.
Tips for expanding your fantasies
Having a wider range of sexual arousal options will make your fantasies more varied and reduce your dependence on certain images. To expand your range, it is good to try new things and repeat them often. Take a look at your arousal techniques and how you can expand them. Read this text and the texts it links to to do this.
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