Love and Relationship / How do I solve relationship problems?:
You live in a relationship with constant criticism. Here you can read about when criticism is fair, when it’s not, and what you can do.
Why are partners important critics?
Most people don’t like criticism. Check out these tips to see how to increase the chances that your partner will actually listen. Unfortunately, people often give criticism in anger, which can make it sound hurtful even if it’s justified.
It can happen that your partner criticizes things about you that really aren’t okay. It’s a good idea to talk with friends or other trusted people about what you’re being criticized for. Tell them you want an honest opinion. That’s not always obvious, because they don’t want to upset you. Also, they might not know your “smelly socks” as well as your partner does.
As much as we don’t like to admit it, partners know us really well. If they press on sore spots, those are often things we prefer to ignore ourselves. We like to see ourselves as kind or selfless. Nobody likes to admit that they act selfishly or with bad intentions. But you’re not the only one who does this sometimes. And your partner is the person pointing it out very clearly.
Why criticism of behavior is more often valid
You might want to pay attention when your partner criticizes your behavior, not you as a person. It could sound like: “You never put your stuff away!” or “You’re always late!” or “You always think of yourself first!” The “never” and “always” aren’t literally true, but it’s possible you do tend to leave things lying around, dawdle, or overlook your partner’s needs. Your partner notices this constantly, and frustration builds.
So, no matter how clumsy your partner is in delivering the criticism, it might be worth considering changing these behaviors. If you’ve been in multiple relationships and hear the same criticism repeatedly, that’s even more reason to address it.
Do I really have to change?
If the criticism is justified, you have a choice: do you do something to change your behavior or not? Changing your behavior for the better is always a good thing. Remember, you’re doing it not just for your partner, but ultimately for yourself.
You might say: “But they should change too!” Sure, they should. But it’s easier to change your own behavior than your partner’s. You are 100 percent responsible for your part of the problems in the relationship, not just 50 percent. And if your partner sees your effort, they’re more likely to engage and make changes themselves.
It’s also possible that you criticize your partner’s behavior just as much as they criticize yours. You both pick at each other. Who takes the first step to improve things? We recommend you do. How badly your partner behaves is no excuse for you to behave badly too. No matter how unfair someone is to you, that doesn’t justify being unfair yourself. Check out our tips on fair ways to deal with your partner.
In short, this is a radical invitation to take responsibility for yourself. More on this in our text about autonomy. We also recommend the book "The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict" by the Arbinger Institute, which is an international bestseller for good reason.
Why criticism of the person is almost never justified
If your partner says, “You're lazy!” because you've preferred to relax on the couch for years rather than clean the apartment, then that's a harsh but justified statement. Very often, though, criticism of your personality is not a frustrated insight from long-term experience. It targets traits that simply belong to you and that you can’t easily change. Your partner just doesn’t like them: you might be overweight, not very strong, easily tired, less educated, clumsy, slow, frequently clearing your throat, or snore. Maybe you’re anxious or struggle to make decisions.
These are things you might already dislike about yourself. You may have tried to change them for a while, but it’s hard. Your partner might know this and press these sore spots even more. This is not constructive criticism. It’s about making you feel bad.
This is especially true if your partner criticizes things about you that other people say aren’t true at all. For example, if you are a hard-working person and your partner calls you lazy, or if you’re thin and your partner calls you fat.
In general, condescending words like “fat,” “slut,” or “loser” are about hurting or putting you down.
Why is my partner so hurtful?
If your partner constantly puts you down, calling you dumb, ugly, incapable, or inadequate, you know they don’t have good intentions. Their goal is not to give you a chance to improve but to make you feel bad. They can see that you’re affected by what they say.
Sometimes a partner behaves this way because they’re unhappy with themselves and their life. This dissatisfaction makes you seem guilty, bad and wrong. Rather than doing something to improve their situation, they pick on you. This distracts them from the fact that they need to take responsibility for their attitudes and behavior. This would be much more difficult than continuing to blame you. One thing is clear: you are not responsible for their happiness.
Perhaps they had expectations of you that you can’t meet, like making them happy. This would build up a lot of frustration and resentment towards you. They see themselves as your wronged victim, so to speak. They may then feel real satisfaction in hurting you. Expectations of partners in a relationship are rarely justified. This also demonstrates a lack of personal responsibility.
Perhaps your partner also enjoys the feeling of having control over you by belittling you. You can read more about this in this text on domestic violence.
No matter the reason for their hurtful behavior: how long do you want to put up with it?
It’s important to realize your partner doesn’t mean well. Thinking, “It’s not intentional,” or “I know they don’t mean it,” or “It’s my fault they criticize me” doesn’t help—you’re making yourself the victim. Read our text on when a relationship is harmful.
Maybe you’re just used to people putting you down. Ever since you were a child. We strongly recommend that you take a closer look at this. You deserve better. Please read this text.
How to deal with hurtful criticism
Your partner is disrespectful. That doesn’t stop you from being respectful in the relationship. Respect starts with respecting yourself. In a respectful relationship with yourself, you don’t just accept everything to keep the peace. Respect for yourself means standing up for yourself. We recommend that you work for your growth and well-being. Decide what is acceptable in the relationship and where your limits are crossed. You don’t have to tolerate unacceptable or degrading behavior.
Respect for your partner is important too. It might sound odd, but if you keep your partner's intentions clearly in mind and try to see them clearly (rather than idealizing them), then you are really taking them seriously. That is respectful. That doesn’t mean you accept their behavior, but you don’t ignore it either.
Your situation changes when you change your own behavior. Your partner can only keep criticizing you if you let them. You’re playing along as much as they are. Change requires consistent action, not just words. When you change your behavior, they’re forced to adjust theirs – otherwise, nothing changes. If you only talk about change, or threaten it, nothing will change. Because nothing changes unless someone actually does something.
It might feel unfair that you have to make an effort while already suffering. But in relationships where one person suffers, the suffering person must act. Happy people rarely give up their happiness and are usually not interested in change. Instead of waiting for change to happen, be proactive.
Observe their behavior and draw conclusions. What are they trying to achieve? Address the problematic behavior. Tell them you won’t accept it anymore. Explain what behaviour you want from them. You can find more information on fair conflict management in this text. Be consistent. Mention the possibility of a breakup or a pause. You can give an ultimatum, but mean it. If you always give in, they keep control. If you say you’re done and stick to it, they must learn to take responsibility.
Should I break up?
Maybe you’re considering breaking up but fear losing the familiar or being alone. Consider your self-respect: how much longer are you going to put yourself through this? The pain you experience now will continue for years if nothing changes. The logical step is to question the relationship. We always recommend this if your needs are clearly being violated.
