Hello again, following up on question 40946,
First of all, thank you very much for your answer! I really appreciate the guidance regarding the exercises and your insightful questions.
Maybe I did not express myself exactly as I intended in my first message, so I will try to clarify my situation in a bit more detail (this may be a bit lengthy).
When I said that I am not dating, what I meant is that I do not currently have a girlfriend, or I am not in a relationship. In other words, I am not dating someone at the moment (or ever before in my case). I would like to date someone; however it requires a woman to want to date me back as well… and that is pretty much my goal. I do try to meet and get to know new people as I can. I have also tried dating apps over the past couple of years without much success, which was somewhat disappointing. That said, I was not too concerned, because I understand that online dynamics can be quite different from real life. In everyday situations, I am generally sociable and get along well with people, and I feel I have more opportunities to show my strengths in that context. So far, I simply have not managed to develop enough mutual interest with a woman I am attracted to for it to turn into dating. I assume this is partly because of chance, and partly because people are (understandably) more selective when it comes to romantic partners than friends, as it requires a higher level of compatibility. And now maybe I should add because I am inexperienced and this is less attractive, but I don't know. This is essentially why I am not currently dating someone.
When I say that I do not know if I am “far behind,” I mean that I worry about having fewer skills or less awareness than others my age. What makes me insecure is not only my lack of experience, but also not knowing what I might be missing, what was still acceptable to be clueless about as a teenager, but that I “should” already know by now. Part of this comes from social perception. For example, I sometimes hear people talk about men who have been single past the age of 25 and assume that something must be wrong with them: that they are immature, in denial about their sexual orientation, or that they think they are too good for others. I have also heard some women say they would not date a man who has never had a girlfriend, because they feel they would have to “teach him everything,” almost like dealing with a child. These comments are not directed at me personally, but I am aware that this is how my situation is sometimes (maybe often) perceived. When people describe it as a “red flag,” it is understandable that it might discourage someone who has other options.
Another example is when I am with friends who are in relationships. They sometimes discuss situations involving their partners and what they should do in specific contexts. In those moments, I not only feel unable to contribute, but I sometimes realize that I would not even have known that these were things one needed to think about in the first place. This makes me feel that there may be a real gap in terms of experience and awareness, beyond just social perception. Because of this, I sometimes wonder whether this gap might also affect my success in dating, since people may (consciously or not) perceive the kind of partner I could be. So while sexual experience is part of it, my insecurity is more broadly about romantic relationships in general.
My initial thought was that, instead of just feeling insecure, I could try to work on certain skills on my own in order to feel more prepared and confident. Also to not be powerless and insecure when a girl questions me about my romantic past and how it will affect my relationship ability. This is why I wanted to learn from more experienced and non-judgmental people about what might be useful to practice or focus on. At the same time, I completely agree with your point that the best way to learn anything is often through real experience, “entering the water,” as you say. If there is not much that can realistically be done outside of that, I can accept that as well.
As I reflected on your answer and how to reply back, I realized that a more relevant question might actually have been one step earlier:
Maybe my questioning is more about how I can deal with the social perception of lacking experience, and with my own insecurity about it, while I am still in the process of gaining real experience. Indeed, if trying to build confidence by practicing “from the shore” is not the most helpful approach for now, what would you recommend instead, so that my lack of experience does not become more of an obstacle to forming a relationship while trying to date?
Thank you !
Unsere Antwort
There are two points in your question that I would like to focus on: what makes you attractive and what other people think of you.
Let's look at attractivity: I disagree with you that it is experience that makes you sexually attractive. What really makes you sexually attractive is your sexual self-confidence. Now you might say to yourself that sexual self-confidence comes from experience. This is not what I mean. Sexual confidence comes from the ability to enjoy your sexual body. This is what truly makes you sexually attractive to women.
Sexual self-confidence means that you…
- have developed a good relationship with your penis
- have learned to arouse yourself easily
- have learned to experience pleasurable sensations and feelings during sexual arousal
- have developed a desire to engage in sexual activities with a woman
- have developed a desire for your penis to enter a vagina and to enjoy the encounter with the vagina
- have developed the desire to show yourself sexually aroused during a sexual encounter
- have learned to connect intimately with yourself during sexual arousal
Notice that these are all things that you can learn, practice and develop by yourself. Your sexual self-confidence will show in your posture, your gait, the movements of your pelvis, your gaze, and your charisma. Sexual self-confidence influences the way you present yourself to women.
So my recommendation would be that you invest more in your sexual self-confidence. I recommended these tips practicing for vaginal intercourse alone in my last answer. I also recommended these tips pracicing the pelvic swing. Maybe you're also interested in these masturbation tips.
As for what other people think of you, let me ask you this: Do you want to enter a relationship with a person who objectifies you to an extent that she will reject you for lack of experience? Do you want to be with a woman who is interested in quick one-fits-all answers to complex questions? E.g. "not having had sex with another person beyond 25 means that a person is immature and gay." Maybe some women think like that, but it is a devaluating and disctiminating way to look at a potential partner, and reflects a lack of real interest in the person.
I recommend you look for women who are open and interested in you – maybe curious as to why an attractive man like you hasn't had sex before, but with a real interest in your personal reasons and acceptance of the fact. I personally think that there are a lot of women like that out there. If you asked every woman around, you might be surprised.
I disagree with you that people are more selective when it comes to romantic relationships than friendships. Quite the opposite might be true, as well. Sometimes people form relationships simply to be in a relationship, or because they just want to have the experience, they want to experiment, they're curious and want to find out things etc. They might want to be in uncommitted relationships, relationships with several people, sex-only relationships, etc.
The question is what your expectations are. I think they might be pretty high. You expect a lot of yourself, and maybe also of the other person. And definitely of the relationship. If you told yourself that you want to date for the sake of practicing, and every experience that you gain is going to be a good one, because it is a learning experience, I assume you would find it easier to choose a dating partner.
Schau dir mehr Antworten und Infotexte an zum Thema