Question No. 41529 from 16.07.2026
How do I insert my penis inside their vagina?
Our Answer
Go slowly. If it hurts, stop. Pain usually means you need more time, more arousal, more lubricant, or that this is not the right moment. It is usually easier if your penis is hard and the vagina is wet. If the vagina feels dry, lubricant can help. You can also guide your penis with your hand, so it is easier to find the vaginal opening. You can find more tips on vaginal intercourse in this text. And in this text, you'll find tips if you are having intercourse for the first time.
It is also important to use a condom to protect against pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
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Question No. 41501 from 08.07.2026
What age can I cum
Our Answer
Boys usually have their first ejaculation around the age of 12. It can also happen earlier or later. Everyone goes through puberty at a different pace.
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Question No. 41276 from 02.06.2026
How can i be sartifly with my sex alone
Our Answer
Do I understand your question correctly? Are you asking how solo sex can become more satisfying? If you mean something else, please write to us again and explain your question a bit more.
Solo sex can become more satisfying when you use it to find out what really feels good for your body. It can help to take your time, to explore what kind of touch you like, and to pay attention to what you feel and what feels good for you. It can also help to practise enjoying different kinds of touch.
We have written many tips that may help you. You could start by reading these texts:
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Question No. 41261 from 30.05.2026
Why do pregnancies end in the seventh month? (The placenta failed.)
How often?
How does birth proceed in the case of a stillbirth? Is it like a real birth?
The case does not concern me personally but I feel very sorry for the person.
Our Answer
Late pregnancy losses can be caused by different problems and are extremely sad to experience. I am very sorry for the couple who had to go through this experience. The most common cause for a late pregnancy loss is placenta failure. Other causes can be knots in the umbilical cord, genetic or other abnormalities of the fetus, infections or medical conditions of the pregnant woman.
The rate of late stillbirths (after 28 weeks of pregnancy) is approximately 3 per 1000 births. Most of them happen after 38 weeks of pregnancy. So a pregnancy loss in the seventh month is very rare (approximately 0.13 per 1000). Delivery in stillbirth proceeds mostly similar to a normal vaginal birth. Labor often needs to be induced. A cesarean delivery should possibly be avoided, since there is more risk for the mother, unless there is an urgent medical cause.
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Question No. 41233 from 23.05.2026
I often experience severe anxiety that resembles an anxiety disorder. It is health-related anxiety. I noticed that members of Lilli's team are knowledgeable about hypnosis. Would hypnosis help me?
Our Answer
Hypnosis can indeed be very helpful for anxiety disorders. There are scientific studies on this subject, although hypnosis is often combined with other forms of psychotherapy in these studies. It is important that you find a therapist with whom you feel understood and well cared for; this applies to hypnotherapy as well as to any other form of psychotherapy, as it has a significant impact on the outcome.
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Question No. 41198 from 15.05.2026
I always get flaccid whenever I hear a loud noise, INCLUDING MOANS, what do I even do
Our Answer
Do you have an idea why this is such a turn off? Is it feelings of shame? Or what feelings? What thoughts? In order to understand the mechanism, it's a good idea to become interested in why it happens. What are the emotions? What are your thoughts? What are the situations when this happens?
It would be helpful if you could describe us a situation where this happened. And what emotions and thoughts you had. If you write to us again, please include the number of this question.
Also, you can do something to regulate your emotional state better during sex. Please go ahead and read this text on upper body movement during sex. This is a very good way of calming yourself down during sex.
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Question No. 41098 from 22.04.2026
How to sex without fingering girls alone
Our Answer
There are many different ways to have sex. On our website, you can find various texts and tips on this topic. I recommend starting with the following texts:
Do you have any other questions? Don’t hesitate to write to us again. If you do, please include the number of this question.
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Question No. 41045 from 06.04.2026
I feel a lot of shame and anxiety around feeling desire and wanting to masturbate. It’s like obsessive fears around what triggered it, am I dirty, etc.
Our Answer
So do I understand correctly that you would like to figure out how you can deal with these feelings of shame and anxiety better?
If so, there are two approaches to this issue. First, you need to understand that shame and anxiety need a certain "growth medium", so to speak. Whatever you do with your body will elevate or lower your level of anxiety or shame. In other words: In order to feel these emotions, you have to be tense to a certain degree. They don't show up so strongly in a relaxed body. I don't know anything about you, about your level of stress or tension. But I assume it would be helpful for you to look at that a little more closely. We have some articles that talk about these issues. Please go ahead and see if you find anything helpful in them:
Second, it would be interesting to know what exactly the thoughts are when you feel these emotions – i.e., what are you thinking, what thoughts do you asociate with desire and wanting to masturbate? You mentioned feeling dirty. What exactly do you mean by dirty? Who came up with this association of sex and dirty? When did you first feel that?
I assume that these feelings and thoughts have a history and a logic based on this history. If you were to show interest in this history, how did they come about? Maybe, as a child, you felt sexual needs; maybe you had fantasies and desires. And maybe where you grew up this wasn't appropriate deemed appropriate. Maybe you had negative experiences around desire and masturbation. I'm guessing here, please go ahead and do a little mental research into your past. It might help you get answers to your question.
Emotions have a purpose. Anxiety and shame are there to prevent us from experiencing or doing things that would be dangerous. Maybe in your case these emotions around sexual desire and masturbation have a history of trying to prevent you from being rejected and, bottom line, outcast?
Feel free to write us again and answer the questions that I posed in my answer. If you do, please don't forget to include the number of this question.
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Question No. 41010 from 22.03.2026
Virginia is tight then how can I overcome that problem
Our Answer
I assume you mean that your vagina feels too tight. If you meant something else, feel free to correct me.
To be able to help you better, I would need a bit more information. Could you describe in more detail how you experience this tightness and what kind of difficulties it causes?
For example, do you have problems with penetration? Is it possible for your vagina to take in something like a finger, a sex toy, or a penis? Do you notice differences depending on the situation, for example does your experience differ between solo sex and sex with a partner? How long have you been experiencing this? Are there moments when it feels better or more relaxed?
You’re very welcome to write to us again and answer these questions. Please include the number of this question. In the meantime, you might also find our texts in this chapter helpful.
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Question No. 40999 from 21.03.2026
There's this guy I like, but I don't know how he feels towards me. We're not close, but we always look at each other in the hallway of our school and he sometimes smirks. His best friend also pointed me out to him, a few times. I wanted to ask, what he probably feels and if there's anything I can do, to move from "familiar strangers in the hallway" to friends, at least.
Our Answer
From what you describe, it sounds like he has at least noticed you and is a bit curious. But I can’t tell you how he feels, that’s something only he knows.
If you want to move things forward, you’ll need a small step of contact. It doesn’t have to be anything big. Even a quick “hey” when you pass by, a smile, or a short comment about school can be enough. If he reacts openly, smiles back, or starts talking, that’s a good sign. If he stays distant, you’ll notice that too.
Talking to him could be the next step. These tips can help you find the right moment and an easy way to start a conversation. When you talk to him, you can also see how he reacts. Whether he’s interested in keeping the conversation going. You’ll also notice what happens the next time you see each other. This way, you can slowly get closer. Our tips on seduction might also be helpful for you.
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Question No. 40976 from 17.03.2026
Hello again, following up on question 40946,
First of all, thank you very much for your answer! I really appreciate the guidance regarding the exercises and your insightful questions.
Maybe I did not express myself exactly as I intended in my first message, so I will try to clarify my situation in a bit more detail (this may be a bit lengthy).
When I said that I am not dating, what I meant is that I do not currently have a girlfriend, or I am not in a relationship. In other words, I am not dating someone at the moment (or ever before in my case). I would like to date someone; however it requires a woman to want to date me back as well… and that is pretty much my goal. I do try to meet and get to know new people as I can. I have also tried dating apps over the past couple of years without much success, which was somewhat disappointing. That said, I was not too concerned, because I understand that online dynamics can be quite different from real life. In everyday situations, I am generally sociable and get along well with people, and I feel I have more opportunities to show my strengths in that context. So far, I simply have not managed to develop enough mutual interest with a woman I am attracted to for it to turn into dating. I assume this is partly because of chance, and partly because people are (understandably) more selective when it comes to romantic partners than friends, as it requires a higher level of compatibility. And now maybe I should add because I am inexperienced and this is less attractive, but I don't know. This is essentially why I am not currently dating someone.
When I say that I do not know if I am “far behind,” I mean that I worry about having fewer skills or less awareness than others my age. What makes me insecure is not only my lack of experience, but also not knowing what I might be missing, what was still acceptable to be clueless about as a teenager, but that I “should” already know by now. Part of this comes from social perception. For example, I sometimes hear people talk about men who have been single past the age of 25 and assume that something must be wrong with them: that they are immature, in denial about their sexual orientation, or that they think they are too good for others. I have also heard some women say they would not date a man who has never had a girlfriend, because they feel they would have to “teach him everything,” almost like dealing with a child. These comments are not directed at me personally, but I am aware that this is how my situation is sometimes (maybe often) perceived. When people describe it as a “red flag,” it is understandable that it might discourage someone who has other options.
Another example is when I am with friends who are in relationships. They sometimes discuss situations involving their partners and what they should do in specific contexts. In those moments, I not only feel unable to contribute, but I sometimes realize that I would not even have known that these were things one needed to think about in the first place. This makes me feel that there may be a real gap in terms of experience and awareness, beyond just social perception. Because of this, I sometimes wonder whether this gap might also affect my success in dating, since people may (consciously or not) perceive the kind of partner I could be. So while sexual experience is part of it, my insecurity is more broadly about romantic relationships in general.
My initial thought was that, instead of just feeling insecure, I could try to work on certain skills on my own in order to feel more prepared and confident. Also to not be powerless and insecure when a girl questions me about my romantic past and how it will affect my relationship ability. This is why I wanted to learn from more experienced and non-judgmental people about what might be useful to practice or focus on. At the same time, I completely agree with your point that the best way to learn anything is often through real experience, “entering the water,” as you say. If there is not much that can realistically be done outside of that, I can accept that as well.
As I reflected on your answer and how to reply back, I realized that a more relevant question might actually have been one step earlier:
Maybe my questioning is more about how I can deal with the social perception of lacking experience, and with my own insecurity about it, while I am still in the process of gaining real experience. Indeed, if trying to build confidence by practicing “from the shore” is not the most helpful approach for now, what would you recommend instead, so that my lack of experience does not become more of an obstacle to forming a relationship while trying to date?
Thank you !
Our Answer
There are two points in your question that I would like to focus on: what makes you attractive and what other people think of you.
Let's look at attractivity: I disagree with you that it is experience that makes you sexually attractive. What really makes you sexually attractive is your sexual self-confidence. Now you might say to yourself that sexual self-confidence comes from experience. This is not what I mean. Sexual confidence comes from the ability to enjoy your sexual body. This is what truly makes you sexually attractive to women.
Sexual self-confidence means that you…
- have developed a good relationship with your penis
- have learned to arouse yourself easily
- have learned to experience pleasurable sensations and feelings during sexual arousal
- have developed a desire to engage in sexual activities with a woman
- have developed a desire for your penis to enter a vagina and to enjoy the encounter with the vagina
- have developed the desire to show yourself sexually aroused during a sexual encounter
- have learned to connect intimately with yourself during sexual arousal
Notice that these are all things that you can learn, practice and develop by yourself. Your sexual self-confidence will show in your posture, your gait, the movements of your pelvis, your gaze, and your charisma. Sexual self-confidence influences the way you present yourself to women.
So my recommendation would be that you invest more in your sexual self-confidence. I recommended these tips practicing for vaginal intercourse alone in my last answer. I also recommended these tips pracicing the pelvic swing. Maybe you're also interested in these masturbation tips.
As for what other people think of you, let me ask you this: Do you want to enter a relationship with a person who objectifies you to an extent that she will reject you for lack of experience? Do you want to be with a woman who is interested in quick one-fits-all answers to complex questions? E.g. "not having had sex with another person beyond 25 means that a person is immature and gay." Maybe some women think like that, but it is a devaluating and disctiminating way to look at a potential partner, and reflects a lack of real interest in the person.
I recommend you look for women who are open and interested in you – maybe curious as to why an attractive man like you hasn't had sex before, but with a real interest in your personal reasons and acceptance of the fact. I personally think that there are a lot of women like that out there. If you asked every woman around, you might be surprised.
I disagree with you that people are more selective when it comes to romantic relationships than friendships. Quite the opposite might be true, as well. Sometimes people form relationships simply to be in a relationship, or because they just want to have the experience, they want to experiment, they're curious and want to find out things etc. They might want to be in uncommitted relationships, relationships with several people, sex-only relationships, etc.
The question is what your expectations are. I think they might be pretty high. You expect a lot of yourself, and maybe also of the other person. And definitely of the relationship. If you told yourself that you want to date for the sake of practicing, and every experience that you gain is going to be a good one, because it is a learning experience, I assume you would find it easier to choose a dating partner.
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Question No. 40946 from 09.03.2026
Hello,
I am a man in my twenties, and I have not yet had a girlfriend or experienced partnered sex, although I hope to have a romantic relationship in the future. I think it would be good to prepare myself so that my lack of experience does not become an unnecessary obstacle to relationship satisfaction, or to having a compatible and satisfying relationship at all. I’m starting to feel that it may not be enough to assume I will simply learn quickly and catch up once I gain experience, especially as the gap in experience and expectations between me and my peers grows, so I think I should take my responsibility and be proactive. I think the best way to learn would ultimately be through real experience by dating someone I like and allowing myself to make mistakes and learn. However, in the meantime, I have no point of comparison or real feedback to evaluate where I stand. So, I find it difficult to evaluate specifically what I should work on or what level would be good enough. Having realistic benchmarks would also help me stay confident while remaining realistic about my abilities.
I really appreciate that your website provides detailed descriptions of concrete exercises related to sexual skills, and that everything is explained without making readers feel ashamed of not knowing everything yet. I agree that I shouldn’t expect myself to know everything intuitively or to be good without experience or practice. I thought I could try the exercises on your website, and I understand the importance of regular and specific training to make progress. I have tried many of them, but taken all together, it feels like a lot to work on every aspect (ex. pelvic swing, breathing rhythm, pelvic floor muscles, playing with going to point of no return and relaxing, with/without lubricant, playing with glans vs whole penis, etc.), and do all the exercises 5-20 minutes, 3+ times/week, etc. Because of this, I would appreciate some guidance on how to approach this.
• Where should I start, or how should I decide which exercises to prioritize?
I don’t have problems that I know of with my masturbation, if this is relevant.
• How can I tell when my practice is good enough?
In a perfect world (and in the absence of real partner feedback), I would have something measurable, or some indicator, that could help me know whether I am overdoing it or still far behind. Knowing what is good enough would also help me feel more confident in evaluating feedback or expectations from a future partner.
• Are the exercises involving sexual arousal intended to gradually replace my usual masturbation habits over the long term? If not, how should I manage that if I usually have the sex drive to masturbate only 2-3 times/week?
I focused mostly on sexual skills because your website provides detailed practice instructions, but I suspect there are other relationship-specific skills, maybe even more important, that I should work on as well. I am confident about my physical attractiveness, my general interpersonal skills (I generally get along well with family, friends, strangers) and I know I have personal strengths. But I would like to feel closer to the same level of relationship ability as the women I am attracted to and other men my age, considering most of them have had serious relationships already; to know I could realistically be considered as a suitable partner for someone I would like.
• What other relationship skills could I practice (and how?), while other people my age are gaining real experience?
Thank you. Even brief guidance on where to focus would be very helpful!
Do you know if there is an English or French version of the book you recommended, Klappt's? Vom Leistungssex zum Liebesspiel – ein Übungsbuch für Männer by Michael Sztenc? It looks very interesting, but I cannot find any translation, and my German is not good enough.
If there is no translation, do you know if an equivalent book in English or French exists?
Thank you!
Our Answer
I'm glad you like our website. I'll gladly help you find a good approach and focus. However, I do have a question: you keep writing about the rest of the world gaining experience in the field of dating, but you don't. You write as if you were in prison or on a deserted island. Which I assume you're not. It seems like you would like to get tips on how to practice swimming while on the shore. But this is not how you learn swimming. You learn swimming by entering the water.
So I think a very good approach would be to start dating. My question is: why aren't you dating? Please go ahead and write us again to answer this question.
As opposed to dating, you can practice sex alone. I would start by practicing for vaginal intercourse alone. Sometimes, men have performance anxiety specifically about vaginal intercourse. Exercising and practicing for it will not only help you develop the necessary skills, but it will also help you to develop a desire for it. And this desire is very important and helpful for your sexual arousal during vaginal intercourse. Practicing will also make you more sexually self-confident.
How much should you practice? If you practice two or three times a week, that's great. Anything you do is better than nothing. This will not make you unlearn your usual way of masturbation, rather you'll have more skills to draw from. I would focus on the pelvic swing as we explain in these tips.
I'm curious what you mean by being far behind. You're wrong if you think that people who are dating or in relationships are practicing sexually like you do if you follow our practicing tips. Most people just do sex the way it works for them. They don't consciously practice for it. If you do, you actually have an advantage.
As for the book, unfortunately, we currently can't recommend anything in English that follows our approach. But we'll be happy to continue answering your questions. If you write to us again, please include the number of this question.
This answer also applies to question 40954.
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Question No. 40902 from 27.02.2026
I have many questions. I’m a young man who has been used to masturbating for years, and recently I had my first sexual experience with a girl for whom it was also her first time. Everything was going well until penetration, when I had difficulty maintaining my erection. This led to my penis becoming soft, so the penetration didn’t happen properly. Her hymen tore a little, but not enough for full penetration.
Every time I put the condom back on, I lost my erection. Each time I tried to penetrate and it didn’t work, I would lose my erection again, probably because of stress. So I don’t know if this is a problem I have or if it’s just normal for things to be complicated. I couldn’t really find resources on the internet about this topic, even though no one is born with a guide for their first time.
So my question is: how can you have a good first penetration when both partners are consenting and just want to do things the right way? Also, do I have erectile problems? Could years of masturbation have caused damage, such as something like “death grip syndrome”?
Our Answer
You're right, nobody is born with a guide for their first time. So what happened is normal. Take the combination of a totally new kind of stimulation for your penis in the vagina and the fact that your penis is probably not used to a condom, add the extra emotional charge – and, there, you have it. And, of course, your sexual arousal won't profit at all from anxiety about your erection.
Death grip sounds very harsh. It is true that many men have a pretty hard grip on their penis when they masturbate. Or they masturbate in another way that just doesn't at all feel like penetrating a vagina. For instance, they might only touch the glans of their penis and not the entire penis.
What you do during masturbation is something your penis and your brain learn to associate with arousal. It is quite common that vaginal intercourse feels different to whatever technique a man has learned and practiced for arousal during solosex. It's like having to speak a different language. Please read our text on sexual learning so you understand better what your issue is.
So the main issue here is that you never practiced penetrating a vagina before.
I recommend this text with tips on how to do precisely that. Keep in mind that, in your case, practicing with a condom is also very important. Practicing alone is something you should do several times a week. It's going to help your penis become more familiar with what it experiences during vaginal intercourse.
Of course you're still going to be nervous. A helpful idea is that, no, your first vaginal intercourse is not meant to work. It's helpful to be curious and open-minded and to tell yourself that it should work just about as well as dancing a dance you've never practiced before together. So beyond practicing alone, you can start practicing and exploring together. Please read these texts on first vaginal intercourse, and on more pleasure during vaginal intercourse.
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Question No. 40872 from 20.02.2026
Hi, i beginner at sex
It’s my first days
Before I was doing it by my hand and now with my partner I get sooo hard but..
I have obsessions and fears about putting it in anus Instead
Second, I noticed that i lose erection when I about to put it inside her
So how can I overcome this?
Our Answer
First of all: it is completely normal to have to experiment and learn during sex, and not everything will work out the way you imagine it will right away.
We have described how you should proceed during anal sex in this chapter.
It could also be helpful for you to learn to focus more on what you feel in your body instead of thinking about what should happen next. It is also important to keep your body moving, as this will help you control your sexual arousal and maintain your erection.
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Question No. 40845 from 17.02.2026
Hello team lilli,
I am a young male and I am attracted to women. I know a website where people send photos of their second hand clothes/stuff to resell them. I find some of these photos sexy to jerk off. I always classified porn as a jerk off material but now I am trying reduce it. I don't have a relationship. Does enjoying self pleasure too much prevent finding a relationship?
Sorry for too much information.
Our Answer
No, masturbation does not prevent you from finding a relationship, unless you do nothing else but stay alone and look at pictures on your computer. But I don't think that's the case. I think you lead a completely normal everyday life, right?
When you masturbate, you should make sure that you don't just focus on the pictures or fantasies, but also concentrate on the sensations in your body and actively use your body's movements to increase arousal. If you don't do this and only increase your arousal with muscle tension, pressure or strong friction, you may later have problems with sex in a relationship.
When having sex with a partner, increased muscle tension, the need for a lot of pressure and fast friction are usually not possible to the same extent as when you are alone.
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Question No. 40804 from 08.02.2026
I am a male 27 years old. Sometimes in the morning I feel like masturbating while I have an erection. It can go 30 minutes and more sometimes, is it a bad habit? It lowers my energy during the day.
Our Answer
No, that's completely normal.
There are two possible reasons why it reduces your energy: the first is that you masturbate with a lot of muscle tension or pressure instead of moving your whole body. This can cost energy.
The second possible reason is that you judge yourself for masturbating. This results in an inner struggle, which also costs unnecessary energy.
Normally, good sexuality (even with yourself) gives you energy.
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Question No. 40784 from 03.02.2026
How do they show love during sex
Our Answer
I'm not sure I fully understand your question. There are many different ways to show love during sex. For example, through kissing, loving words, caressing, tenderness, and so on. Do you have a specific question about this? Then write to us again and describe in more detail what you would like to know. Please include the number of this question.
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Question No. 40741 from 26.01.2026
Dear Lilli,
My sexual life with my partner in 3 years is in a difficuly place. We have sex every Two weeks but not very satisfying. Both of us think this.
I have premature ejaculation (PE), which I have managed good in periods. However, it makes me nervous to initiate sex and very focused on having the control for the pace, positions etc. This makes me feel to be in somewhat control of a situation which is difficult. Of course my girlfriend thinks this is difficult, as it makes it hard for her sexual needs to be met, when i need to be “in charge”…
Secondly, I have only once been able to give her an orgasme, which was trough oral in the shower. Therefor, we have a vibrator, where she quickly can orgasm from. This is also somewhat an issue for us, as it puts pressure on both of us to see if it can happen without the vibrator. Therefore, when the vibrator is used it becomes somewhat a losing feeling for both of us.
Due to this, we find it difficult to enjoy sex and finding the fun and explorative sides of sex. This means that we have it fewer times than we want to. Luckily, we both want the same thing, just difficult how we get there, as there are some “contraints” due to my PE and my difficult i making her orgasm…
Our Answer
I think the most important bit of input I can give you is one about sexual learning. Both of you are experiencing limitations in the learning steps you took so far in your sexual learning process. You find it difficult to control your arousal, and she finds it difficult to arouse herself by another means than a vibrator.
The good news is that you can learn new things, sexually – both of you. You can learn to control your arousal, and she can learn to arouse herself differently. I think it's a good idea that you both read some of the text that I am linking you to in this answer. These texts have links to more texts with tips in them. I recommend that you check out these tips, as well.
I come too quickly - what can I do?
Sexual arousal with vibrator or shower
How does sexual learning work?
Why – and how – should I practice for sex?
Maybe you will be inspired to go on a journey together, and each of you by themselves. Remember, practicing new things during sex requires practicing alone, as well.
If you have more questions, please write to us again. Don't forget to include the number of this question in your next question.
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Question No. 40666 from 12.01.2026
Do sexual mindfulness apps like Rino work?
Should I be doing more than basic kegel exercises? - like yoga/workout with kegels - I’ve seen this advertised.
I want to build my sex drive. I have the desire but feel like I have to wait to have sex and stay hard. Sometimes I don’t stay hard.
Our Answer
Mindfulness is a good approach when it comes to sexuality. Mindfulness allows you to be more relaxed emotionally around what's happening during sex, and this will take stress away from your sexual experience. Mindfulness will allow you to be open to whatever happens during sex and not be too caught up in expectations of what should be. Obviously, this is a good approach to life in general. I suggest that you try mindfulness meditation practices, and see if this appeals to you. Jon Kabat-Zinn, for instance, is a very good teacher. You will find lots of meditations he facilitates if you browse the internet.
I don't know the Rino app and what exactly it offers. So I can't recommend it. Which is not to say it's not good.
Our approach at Lilli is a very physical approach in that we teach and support people using their body during sex in a way where the anxious emotions can calm down while genital arousal is supported. Mindfulness apps will probably not focus on sexual technique beyond breathing. While breathing is a very important aspect of sexual technique, there are others, like for instance how you move your pelvis and your upper body, and how you address the pelvic muscles.
So while meditation apps and kegel exercises are most likely good for you, I think it would be a good idea if also focus on your sexual technique. Therefore, I suggest that you read the following texts that I'm recommending to you, and you might also try out some of the exercises in there:
How can I practice alone for genital intercourse?
Pelvic movement and sex
Upper body Movement and Sex
Pelvic floor exercises for sex
Breathing during sex
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Question No. 40608 from 20.12.2025
I’m 47yrs old and going through periods/menopause I had a hysterectomy about 6 months ago and I really lost my sexual appetite, sensation and energy for sexual activity with my partner which is really starting to cause a major riff in our relationship because we used to have mind blowing amazing sex/love making he’s literally the best lover but now I can’t even seem to relax anymore I tense up and turn my body in awkward positions during sex which he thinks I am doing on purpose but my body just checks out and so do i because I’m not arroused or feeling pleasure I never orgasm anymore and just go along with it to try to be closer to him and to please him.
I’m physically attracted to him all the time but just can’t connect sexually no matter what position we try or how we do it. He thinks I’m doing it on purpose to push him away but I’m not I really miss our closeness and amazing sex I just don’t feel the same way I used to sexually I’ve seen my gyno doc and he suggested a hrt patch i started last week but no help so far. He also suggested a book about sex and sex therapy. I’ve tried talking to my partner about how different I feel but he thinks I’m not into him or doing it on purpose please help!! We truly love each other and want to get back to amazing sex.
Our Answer
Okay. The first thing is to understand what a hysterectomy means: Depending on the kind of hysterectomy, sensations in the vagina will be different and the hormonal production can also change. You mention that you're menopausing – if your ovaries were taken out, menopause is due to that. If your ovaries weren't taken out, then menopause just so happened to coincide with hysterectomy. In both cases, your body has to adjust to two things: a different hormonal status, and a different vagina. In addition to that, hysterectomy is a major surgery, and your entire body and soul need time to recover.
Your partner has to learn this, as well. Let's say he really just doesn't know what a hysterectomy means. It is your responsibility to teach him. We wrote a text on hysterectomy, please read this text and explain to your partner what is going on in your body. It's well possible that it takes up to a year for your sexuality to recover completely. It's incredibly important now is that both of you are open and accepting of the fact that this is a different body now. Please explain to your partner that you're not pushing him away, but that you and your vagina need to recover still.
Imagine that you used to have the lush-rose-garden-sexuality. And now it seems like barren land. If you keep thinking about the lush rose garden, and fretting that this is not there anymore, you will definitely tense up. This will make it harder to see that there are a tiny little plants that might pop up on the barren land. The best attitude is an attitude of curiosity, to explore novel sensations, and two allow for little sensations, nothing-to-write-home about sensations, because they might be the beginning of something new and beautiful. That said: No, you will not be able to go back to the amazing sex you had before. But you can discover an amazing new sex.
You might also tell your partner that you would like to just go along for the ride, and let go of any expectations, because being in a state of relaxed movement will allow you to develop pleasant emotions while you're having sex with him. Please read these tips about pelvic movement and about movement of your upper body during sex. I think this is very important for you right now.
I also strongly recommend that you explore your own vagina by yourself and that you give it a lot of loving care. I suggest that you buy a nice oil and give your vulva and vagina a little massage every night – one minute is enough. Of course it would be good if your partner could do this as well.
I wish you and your partner all the best. Don't hesitate to write to us again. If you have further questions, please include the number of this question in your next question.
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