Hi Lilli,
My partner was disabled when we met, and I fell in love with her for her.
She can do most common things herself and is not physically dependent. But, over the past year or so, her physical health has gotten worse and a treatment that she was hoping didn't work out. All this has adversely affected her mental health.
Since then, every conversation she has is either how hard it is for her as disabled, or how she overcame something despite disability.
If she doesn't get the exact reaction she was hoping for, she lashes out. Everyone feels like they are walking on eggshells around her, like they have to choose words carefully depending on her mood. She has lost friends and her own family is starting to keep her at an arm's length.
I can't get myself to tell her why people are distancing themselves from her coz everything feels like an attack to her and I don't want to add more pain to her suffering. Also, when one of her family member told her that its painful for them to see her like this, it destroyed her for several days and she almost cut off ties with this person.
I feel like a failure as a partner.
I try to cheer her up by going out and doing something she likes. But its not fun for me coz the whole time I worry about her picking fight with a random stranger.
I silently listen to her. I only speak to say something supportive. But lately, I notice that I feel numb, I tend to zone out while listening to her, and I feel like I am not really present, like I am on auto-pilot.
I am sorry, its not nice, but its very emotionally exhausting, its like I am a robot with no compassion to give/show.
I feel like a selfish and terrible person for saying all this, but I love her, I really do and that's why, I am writing here.
What can I do to make her feel better?
How do I come out of what feels like an emotional burnout? (If that's a thing)
How to avoid that?
How can I be a better partner?
I love reading, do you have any book recommendations for partners of disabled people?
Unsere Antwort
I think you're hitting the nail on the head: It sounds like you're experiencing emotional burnout. And it would be very understandable. You are taking on too much here. You are a human being, not a wizard. Her well-being is not your responsibility. I think she needs professional support to deal with the emotions behind her anger, and to come to terms with her situation. Or a self-help group. Has she sought out this kind of support?
I understand your desire to be supportive. But not addressing her behavior will perpetuate a vicious cycle you both seem to be in. No matter what lies behind your partner's anger – if it's fear, or grief, or despair, her behavior is making matters worse for her. If she continues like this, she might end up feeling very, very lonely. People are distancing themselves already. You don't want to, but you are distancing yourself, as well. It's not intentional, and it's not something you can consciously control – but I wonder if your nervous system is responding to the emotional strain by shutting down a bit. What you're describing sounds like it could be a form of emotional dissociation, possibly related to what is called a dorsal vagal shutdown. Please read this text to understand what I'm talking about.
So I believe that talking to her honestly about how her behaviour is affecting her relationships would help her most. You wrote that she was destroyed for a few days after her family member confronted her. What do you mean by "destroyed"? It's a very hard term. Is she really this emotionally fragile? Apparently, she overcame things despite her disability. This would mean that she is actually rather strong. I think it would help to see her not as weak, but as strong, not as a victim, but as someone who is capable of making her own choices and taking responsibility. Your confronting her would not be an attack, because you would be doing it in her best interest. Confrontation doesn't usually feel good for the person on the receiving end. But sometimes it's what we need to get unstuck.
Confronting her would also be in your own best interest. Rather than putting yourself down, I suggest that you focus on self-care first. Take your emotional state seriously. Tell her what you're going through. I would even go as far as to suggest that you set a clear boundary: If she doesn't take steps to help herself break out of this pattern, you will need to distance yourself (not break up, mind you).
As long as you don't speak up, she can blame the others. But if you – her partner – speak up, it might help her see things more clearly, and help her start taking responsibility for her actions and for how she deals with the cards life has dealt her. Feeling like a victim feels awful. Taking responsibility is going to make her feel better in the long run.
As for book recommendations: I would like to suggest these two books by the Arbinger Institute. I think they will help you see yourself and your partner in a new light, and find a way out of the patterns you've both become caught up in.
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