Hello,
I am a man in my twenties, and I have not yet had a girlfriend or experienced partnered sex, although I hope to have a romantic relationship in the future. I think it would be good to prepare myself so that my lack of experience does not become an unnecessary obstacle to relationship satisfaction, or to having a compatible and satisfying relationship at all. I’m starting to feel that it may not be enough to assume I will simply learn quickly and catch up once I gain experience, especially as the gap in experience and expectations between me and my peers grows, so I think I should take my responsibility and be proactive. I think the best way to learn would ultimately be through real experience by dating someone I like and allowing myself to make mistakes and learn. However, in the meantime, I have no point of comparison or real feedback to evaluate where I stand. So, I find it difficult to evaluate specifically what I should work on or what level would be good enough. Having realistic benchmarks would also help me stay confident while remaining realistic about my abilities.
I really appreciate that your website provides detailed descriptions of concrete exercises related to sexual skills, and that everything is explained without making readers feel ashamed of not knowing everything yet. I agree that I shouldn’t expect myself to know everything intuitively or to be good without experience or practice. I thought I could try the exercises on your website, and I understand the importance of regular and specific training to make progress. I have tried many of them, but taken all together, it feels like a lot to work on every aspect (ex. pelvic swing, breathing rhythm, pelvic floor muscles, playing with going to point of no return and relaxing, with/without lubricant, playing with glans vs whole penis, etc.), and do all the exercises 5-20 minutes, 3+ times/week, etc. Because of this, I would appreciate some guidance on how to approach this.
• Where should I start, or how should I decide which exercises to prioritize?
I don’t have problems that I know of with my masturbation, if this is relevant.
• How can I tell when my practice is good enough?
In a perfect world (and in the absence of real partner feedback), I would have something measurable, or some indicator, that could help me know whether I am overdoing it or still far behind. Knowing what is good enough would also help me feel more confident in evaluating feedback or expectations from a future partner.
• Are the exercises involving sexual arousal intended to gradually replace my usual masturbation habits over the long term? If not, how should I manage that if I usually have the sex drive to masturbate only 2-3 times/week?
I focused mostly on sexual skills because your website provides detailed practice instructions, but I suspect there are other relationship-specific skills, maybe even more important, that I should work on as well. I am confident about my physical attractiveness, my general interpersonal skills (I generally get along well with family, friends, strangers) and I know I have personal strengths. But I would like to feel closer to the same level of relationship ability as the women I am attracted to and other men my age, considering most of them have had serious relationships already; to know I could realistically be considered as a suitable partner for someone I would like.
• What other relationship skills could I practice (and how?), while other people my age are gaining real experience?
Thank you. Even brief guidance on where to focus would be very helpful!
Do you know if there is an English or French version of the book you recommended, Klappt's? Vom Leistungssex zum Liebesspiel – ein Übungsbuch für Männer by Michael Sztenc? It looks very interesting, but I cannot find any translation, and my German is not good enough.
If there is no translation, do you know if an equivalent book in English or French exists?
Thank you!
Unsere Antwort
I'm glad you like our website. I'll gladly help you find a good approach and focus. However, I do have a question: you keep writing about the rest of the world gaining experience in the field of dating, but you don't. You write as if you were in prison or on a deserted island. Which I assume you're not. It seems like you would like to get tips on how to practice swimming while on the shore. But this is not how you learn swimming. You learn swimming by entering the water.
So I think a very good approach would be to start dating. My question is: why aren't you dating? Please go ahead and write us again to answer this question.
As opposed to dating, you can practice sex alone. I would start by practicing for vaginal intercourse alone. Sometimes, men have performance anxiety specifically about vaginal intercourse. Exercising and practicing for it will not only help you develop the necessary skills, but it will also help you to develop a desire for it. And this desire is very important and helpful for your sexual arousal during vaginal intercourse. Practicing will also make you more sexually self-confident.
How much should you practice? If you practice two or three times a week, that's great. Anything you do is better than nothing. This will not make you unlearn your usual way of masturbation, rather you'll have more skills to draw from. I would focus on the pelvic swing as we explain in these tips.
I'm curious what you mean by being far behind. You're wrong if you think that people who are dating or in relationships are practicing sexually like you do if you follow our practicing tips. Most people just do sex the way it works for them. They don't consciously practice for it. If you do, you actually have an advantage.
As for the book, unfortunately, we currently can't recommend anything in English that follows our approach. But we'll be happy to continue answering your questions. If you write to us again, please include the number of this question.
This answer also applies to question 40954.
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