I’m 47yrs old and going through periods/menopause I had a hysterectomy about 6 months ago and I really lost my sexual appetite, sensation and energy for sexual activity with my partner which is really starting to cause a major riff in our relationship because we used to have mind blowing amazing sex/love making he’s literally the best lover but now I can’t even seem to relax anymore I tense up and turn my body in awkward positions during sex which he thinks I am doing on purpose but my body just checks out and so do i because I’m not arroused or feeling pleasure I never orgasm anymore and just go along with it to try to be closer to him and to please him.
I’m physically attracted to him all the time but just can’t connect sexually no matter what position we try or how we do it. He thinks I’m doing it on purpose to push him away but I’m not I really miss our closeness and amazing sex I just don’t feel the same way I used to sexually I’ve seen my gyno doc and he suggested a hrt patch i started last week but no help so far. He also suggested a book about sex and sex therapy. I’ve tried talking to my partner about how different I feel but he thinks I’m not into him or doing it on purpose please help!! We truly love each other and want to get back to amazing sex.
Unsere Antwort
Okay. The first thing is to understand what a hysterectomy means: Depending on the kind of hysterectomy, sensations in the vagina will be different and the hormonal production can also change. You mention that you're menopausing – if your ovaries were taken out, menopause is due to that. If your ovaries weren't taken out, then menopause just so happened to coincide with hysterectomy. In both cases, your body has to adjust to two things: a different hormonal status, and a different vagina. In addition to that, hysterectomy is a major surgery, and your entire body and soul need time to recover.
Your partner has to learn this, as well. Let's say he really just doesn't know what a hysterectomy means. It is your responsibility to teach him. We wrote a text on hysterectomy, please read this text and explain to your partner what is going on in your body. It's well possible that it takes up to a year for your sexuality to recover completely. It's incredibly important now is that both of you are open and accepting of the fact that this is a different body now. Please explain to your partner that you're not pushing him away, but that you and your vagina need to recover still.
Imagine that you used to have the lush-rose-garden-sexuality. And now it seems like barren land. If you keep thinking about the lush rose garden, and fretting that this is not there anymore, you will definitely tense up. This will make it harder to see that there are a tiny little plants that might pop up on the barren land. The best attitude is an attitude of curiosity, to explore novel sensations, and two allow for little sensations, nothing-to-write-home about sensations, because they might be the beginning of something new and beautiful. That said: No, you will not be able to go back to the amazing sex you had before. But you can discover an amazing new sex.
You might also tell your partner that you would like to just go along for the ride, and let go of any expectations, because being in a state of relaxed movement will allow you to develop pleasant emotions while you're having sex with him. Please read these tips about pelvic movement and about movement of your upper body during sex. I think this is very important for you right now.
I also strongly recommend that you explore your own vagina by yourself and that you give it a lot of loving care. I suggest that you buy a nice oil and give your vulva and vagina a little massage every night – one minute is enough. Of course it would be good if your partner could do this as well.
I wish you and your partner all the best. Don't hesitate to write to us again. If you have further questions, please include the number of this question in your next question.
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